Monday, November 20, 2017

"A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THANKSGIVING" By Jerry SilversZer

 
Zero Mendal 

                   
When the second Pilgram ship landed on Dodge Rock in the year 1622, they were  also greeted by the American Indian tribe called Wampanoag. Their chief Massasoit and Zero Mendal head of this settlement became good friends. The   first Indian harvest of year of 1622  was a celebration for the Wampanoag.  Zero was happy to share in this celebration with Chief Massasoit and designated this celebration as “Thank Goodness”, since it arrived just in time before they all starved to death.

(Zero) “Welcome your highness King Massasoit” as he bows in respect. "What brought you here today? Remember your highness how we traded you many of our fine goods for seeds, they failed to grow. We are now starving!”

(Chief) Great leader, did you water and fertilize crops like we instructed?”

(Zero) “What’s wrong with you, we couldn’t find a water faucet and what kind of fertilizer did you suggest, buffalo chips, not on my crops.

(Chief) “Those buffalo chips are imported and very expensive. We trade them for many wampon; they come from out west were the buffalo roam on the home of the wild prairie. Ta Dum!"


(Count Leapshen interrupts the conversation) “Chief, my name is Count Leapshen, maybe you and I can come to some kind of arrangement that will benefit both of us.”

(Zero) “Stay out of this Count, I’m in charge of this settlement.

(Chief) “We come to have a big celebration, I come to share our bountiful harvest and hunt. We brought turkey, deer, and lobster, along with many kinds of vegetables, corn, and fruits.”

(Zero) “What kind of Turkey?”

(Chief) “There is only one kind of turkey on tribal land.”

(Zero) “What I mean, is it a Butterball or Kosher, I heard a Kosher turkey is really the best?”

(Chief) “Me no understand.”

(Zero) “What about stuffing, you can’t have a Thank Goodness turkey without stuffing.”

(Chief) “Stuffing, what does stuffing mean? Is this an insult? This is one hell of a prized turkey? Insults about our turkey, we go home now!”

(Zero) “No, don’t go, it’s only a Puritan joke.”

(Chief) “What is a joke?”

(Count) “Come over here Chief, how many of those Turkey can you supply and what about something they call Tobacco. We both can become very rich shipping them back to Europe. You get what I mean?”

(Chief) “What does white man mean by the word rich?” I have plenty of food and many wives. I don’t need to get.”

(Zero) “You, Count leave the Chief alone and get the Pilgrims to start the fires and prepare the table for our guests. If you mention one more time about special deal with the Chief, you will be removed and locked into the stockade post.”

(Chief) “Chief has plenty of buffalo chips to trade not only makes good fertilizer, also makes good fires and fresh ones good to warm your feet under blankets in winter. I know Europeans will be very happy to receive such a good trade. We heard from other settlement traders what they call whiskey. We want to learn how to make this whiskey, we trade for whiskey.”

(Zero) “Chief we are Puritans we do not indulge in strong drink. Now, we do like wine for our religious ceremony and maybe a gourmet dinner once in a blue moon. Now you make wine from grapes and we crush them with our feet in a large vat.”

(Chief) “Smelly feet, me no like already. You take buffalo chips off my hands and I give you plenty of grapes and tobacco.”

The second Thanksgiving (really Thank Goodness) was a success, it saved the Pilgrim from starvation in the winter months with all the turkey leftovers.

Also, they were the first to invent the dogie bags, even though they were on the shortlist during their starvation diet.

They struck the first commerce deal to ship products from Dodge Rock to Europe. 

Everything they sent was welcome with open arms except the buffalo chips.

 In recent times archaeologist were excavating the original settlement site and came upon several buildings with large quantities of petrified Buffalo Chips. This was a mystery to the scientific community , since large herds of Buffalo were not common in this area of the country.  

“Happy Thank Goodness!”                                                        
                                        ***



Copyright 2017 Summerlin’s Writers and Poets Workshop, Las Vegas, NV.


Friday, November 17, 2017

'TANTRUM' By Maxine Engel-Muccigrosso


If you want to have some fun,
Have a tantrum.

To really show you're number one,
Have a tantrum.

Women and children all will hide,
Men will always take your side,
So if it's logic you can't hide,
Have a tantrum.

When the going rough,
Have a tantrum.

If the rules are just too tough,
Have a tantrum.

Having troubles with your mate,
Income taxes won't abate,
Add to that all things you hate,
Have a tantrum.

Sitting in the shrink's new chair,
Have a tantrum.

His advice you just can't bear,
Have a tantrum.

Thinking of your hard-earned cash,
Adding to his mountainous stash,
Would love to take his head and bash!

Oh, oh, you'd better just
Have a tantrum.
***
Copyright Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vegas, NV. 

Our author and current President of Sun City Writers Workshop Maxine Muccigrosso.

______________________________________________________
Visit our Summerlin's blog and our current topic is "Thanksgiving".

www.summerlinww.blogspot.com 

Monday, November 13, 2017

'CHARLIE AND HIS LAVENDER GIRL' By Jerry Silvers


 Scene: (Charlie’s kitchen – sitting around the kitchen table is Charlie, Alan, and eight-year-old Jake.)

(Alan) “Good morning Charlie. How did your reunion with your old baseball buddies go last night?”

(Charlie) “We had a great time, I took them over to the Hollywood Comedy Club. And you would believe what happened. I was sitting there and over at the next table were a group of women, and this one girl was dressed in a beautiful Lavender dress and she was a spitting image of a young Eva Gardner. I just had to meet her.”



(Alan) “So, what happened?”

(Charlie) “What’s with Jake, he just sitting there with this great big grin on his face.”

(Alan) “Jake, Jake snap out of it, what’s going on, what’s wrong with you?”

(Jake) “I just ate the most wonderful delicious muffin I ever had in my entire life.”

(Alan) “Okay, where did you get this muffin.”

(Jake) “I finally found Bertha’s hiding place and there was this bag of wonderful looking muffins, so I tried one.”

(Alan) “Great, I can just imagine what they were made of. I want you to promise me never to eat one of Bertha’s muffins again.”



(Bertha) “I heard that, you little rug rat, those muffins are my personal property and if I catch you going again in my grocery bag, I’m going to tell your dad how I found your new shirt and pants in the trash full of paint ball marks. Ops, I shouldn’t have said that.”

(Alan) “Jake, you did what?”

Pause!

(Charlie) “Well, I wondered over to her table to say hello to all these beautiful women and compliment her on her dress. They asked all of us to join their table. So, in time I asked her out for dinner next Saturday. Alan, this could be the one!”
                                                         
                                                       **
  Sunday at the Breakfast table.

(Charlie) “Alan you wouldn’t believe the wonderful evening we spent together. I couldn’t believe how Amanda, that’s her name, was into this color Lavender. She had her car and house repainted, her entire wardrobe, that she designed and created, and her garden is full of lavender plants. Besides this one thing being weird, she is so beautiful, smart and talented. Alan, this could be the one.”

(Alan) “I heard this song before.”
             


 Rose

 Now we all know Rose, his neighbor, as forever stalking Charlie without his knowledge due to her undying love for him and to conquer him.


 At the balcony glass sliding door stands Rose in a beautiful lavender dress, beckoning to Charlie to let her in. She tries telling him she just had her car repainted. (Guess what color?)
                                                   
Rose  

 
                                                            **

The following week after Charlie and Amanda have spent several days together.

Charlie walks into the kitchen.

(Alan) “Charlie, what the hell is all over your face, did you spend the night camping in a poison Ivy patch?”

(Charlie) “I’ve got to be allergic to something we ate last night. I’ve been going over the entire evening and can’t figure it out. I have an appointment with a Dermatologist today.

Later that day.                                                             **

(Alan) “How did the allergy doctor visit go?”

(Charlie) “After several tests and conversation with Dr. Reynolds, he asked me about my current relationships, of course, Amanda was the focal point of our conversation. She wears this special lavender perfume, fresh lavender flowers in her hair, and even brushes her teeth with a lavender flavored natural toothpaste. Bottom line, I am allergic to any form of lavender.”

(Alan) “All I can say is I am sorry. Did I tell you I have a new girlfriend, she one of my patients? She into parrots and has her entire garage filled with bird cages and not one of those damn birds like me.”
                                                     ***





Copyright 2017 Summerlin’s Writers and Poets Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.


 Our author and past president of both Sun City and the Summerlin's Writers workshop. 

Please scan down, I have posted (25) original comedy pieces by some of our comedy writers, all original. 
Mitch Phillips, Mort Harris, Morrie Greenberg, just to name a few.
We hope they bring you lots of laughs or some smiles to start your day. Please recommend this website to your family and friends.














Sunday, November 5, 2017

"BUSTER AND THE HOUSE ON STILTS" By Jerry Silvers

                 

                       

After losing his home in the Texas’ Hurricane, Buster and his wife’s Loraine were invited to come and live with his brother Lester in Hollywood, California.



His brother Lester worked for a major movie studio and one of their properties was this house in the Hollywood hills built on stilts.  It was featured in several very popular movies, however now the studio decided because of so many major required repairs, to put it on the market.

One of the major problem with this particular house, it was the last house at the end of the valley and whenever there was a gust of wind, the speed of the wind would increase as it escaped up the hill to the right of this particular house. The strength of the wind so vibrated the house that the anchors to the pylons started to become loose.

Even with this information Lester convinced the studio to sell him the house with all its furnishings.  He then offered Buster and Loraine to live in the house with the stipulation he would supervise all the repairs. Brother Lester expected with the notoriety of the house, it was a good investment.



When the building inspector, J.G. O’Connelwize came out to the location to inspect the property to authorize the building permit.  He posted a condemned notice on the front door with instruction for the city’s demolition of the property.  Buster told J.G. he will personally guarantee all the violations will be rectified. He also handed him a Christmas envelop, which he readily accepted. (It was a little early for Christmas, if you get the point.)

The week this remodeling and replacement of the anchors started, the weather winds forecast was increased by the arrival of the Santa Anna Winds.  Loraine couldn’t stand the house vibration and decided to stay at Lester’s home until the anchors were repaired.

 We find Buster trying to sleep at night, then finally tying himself down to the bed frame, as the winds buffeted the house.

In the late afternoon, the wind picked up again, and the house actually lifted up off some of the anchors. This uplift caused the windows and doors out of alignment, trapping Buster inside the house. Buster was afraid of heights, but he found one window still open at the back porch several hundred feet off the valley floor. He had to figure out how to get to the front of the house. He tied several bed sheets together and slide down the porch, as the wind picked up, it swung him up the right side of the house to the roadway.

At that exact moment the house broke loose from the anchors and slid down into the valley. The neighbors called emergency rescue. 


 Buster called Lester from the next-door neighbor’s home.


“Lester, sorry to tell you, your investment just took a downhill turn.”

“Buster, did you follow through with our bank making sure the house was insured?

“It was my list.”                                                                                  
                                           ***


Copyright 2017 Summerlin’s Writers and Poets Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.

Make sure you read the previous episode on Buster’s encounter with the Hurricane Harvey. (Scan down)

Also visit our Summerlin’s Blog: www.summerlinww.blogspot.com
Several postings on Las Vegas Shooting Tragedy.

Past president of Sun City and founder of Summerlin's Writers Workshop



Saturday, November 4, 2017

"HOW THE WEST WAS WON" (Comedy Series) By Mort Harris

     



      The year was 1848. The American West teamed with hostile Indians. As more settlers moved out West, terror attacks became more frequent. The terrorists would attack wagon trains and burn down ranch houses. The President, in desperation called upon Stephen Gold, the Secretary of State.

      "We have a serious problem with terrorism in this country" said the President. "The Indians are attacking us indiscriminately. We have information that they are stealing herds of woman raping our cattle."

     "Sir" asked Gold, "could the report be in error?"

     "Never" thundered the President. "Our intelligence is indisputable, worse than that, the Indians have resorted to suicide knifing." 

     Gold was shocked, "Suicide knifing?"

     "Yes" said the President. "Terrorists are attacking saloons, they knife a few people and then stab themselves to death."

     "Insane fanatics," said Gold.

     "What's wrong with those Indians?"  questioned the President. "Haven't we been generous with them?"

     "I think that they are a little upset about us being on their land and slaughtering their Buffalo." said Gold.


    "Nonsense." the President answered. "It's those wild extremists, the Redskin Supremacists." He grabbed Gold by the shoulders, "Gold, you are and expert on the far West. I need you to go and check out the tribes. We have received reports that they are preparing for more attacks. More importantly, it is rumored that they are compiling arrows of mass destruction."

     Gold asked, "Have you intercepted any vital messages between the tribes?"

     "Only one, when we broke their smoke signal code."

     "What did it say?"

     "Yankee go home" reported the President. " Those inconsiderate heathens."

    "Ungrateful savages" echoed Gold.

    The President  slammed his fist against his desk. "We have got to have more rigid immigration laws. The Indian act as if it were their land." Gold nodded in agreement. 

     "One more thing Gold, when you're out West find out what we can do to lure more settlers out there. I'll send a large army with you as a peace measure, of course."

     Months later, after Gold's futile search for arrows of mass destruction, he wrote to the President.

             Dear Mr. President,
                  I picked up some pretty trinkets and a great buy on a blanket. We had a pow-wow and I found the tribes were not open to our kind of democracy. They want to thank you for the gifts of whiskey.
                  Sincerely,
                  Stephen (One Braid) Gold

     Toward the end of his trip, Gold found himself in Sutter's Mill, California. As he crossed  the muddy street he was struck by a speeding stagecoach. People gathered around his injured body.

     "Who is that?" they asked.
     "That's Gold" was the answer.
     "What happened to him?" another queried.
     "He was struck by a stagecoach" was the answer.
     Word started spreading through the town. "They struck gold."
       "Where?"
    "Sutter's Mill."

      The Pony Express spread the news all the way to Missouri. "They struck gold in California."

      The excitement spread by telegraph to Philadelphia, New York,
and Boston. Thousands of people stampeded out west to seek their fortune.

     Upon his return, Gold was met by the President in the Oval Office. Gold was swathed in bandages, leaning on a crutch with splints on his arms and legs. The President pinned a medal on the cast that covered Gold's chest. Gold tried to salute, but the pain was too intense.  As the President heaped praises on Gold, he said, "You have exceeded my expectations. You not only pacified the Indians with whiskey, you found an ingenious way to get our people to go  West. 

     "Sir, the people of this nation are lucky to have a man such as you as President."

     "I know" he continued, "I sent my best General and more troops to suppress the Indian uprising."

     Months later, General Custer stood proudly on a hill top waving the flag of the 27th Cavalry and shouted for all to hear,  "I will stop those Indians if it's the last thing I do."
                                                ***

Copyright 2017 Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.

Our author Mort Harris

Visit our Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop
Blog: www.summerlinww.blogspot.com
Topic: Las Vegas Shooting Tragedy.

      
     

     

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

'SERIOUSLY' - REVISED - By Jerry Silvers



Doctor Ludwig Frankel 
(Location of the scientific symposium:  A large ballroom at the Atlanta Convention Center. Only a few members of the society are now present for their first speaker.)

(Announcer) "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the ninth annual scientific symposium here in Atlanta. We are so please to announce that our first speaker is the renown scientist Dr. Ludwig Frankel. Dr. Frankel has traveled 4000 miles from Prague to present his latest findings on the benefit of the apricot pit to the World Health Organization. I give you Dr, Ludwig Frankel." (A few mild applause)

"Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen. Seriously, I am afraid to announce after landing here in Atlanta, my government informed me that my scientific papers have now been classified 'Top Secret'.
I can assure you and to every member present that my findings will revolutionize the world of science and make me a very rich and famous scientist.   I will now take questions."



"Doctor Frankel, I have two questions for you today."

"What is your name, sir?"

"My name is Pepper, Dr, A.P. Pepper, and what I would like to know Doctor, did you have prior knowledge that this auditorium you're now standing in has a history of being haunted and has been televised On Search for the Paranormal?"

Also, were you disappointed that the Scientific Symposium council failed to provide you with the visual aid equipment you requested? By the way Doctor, I traveled 4021 miles to ask these questions."

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THESE QUESTIONS HAVE TO DO WITH MY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH AND DISCOVERIES?"

"Nothing, I just like to attend these symposium and ask questions." 

(Announcer -Next Question)



"Doctor, I have a question."

"You look familiar, what is your name?"

"Seriously, my name is Charles Frankel, your brother. I think Ludwig you crushed too many apricot pits, and I came here to stop you from making a fool of yourself. I traveled 4022 miles to confront you with your own findings.  My question to you my dear Ludwig and symposium, doesn't your findings on the apricot pit extraction compare to the avocado and heart of an artichoke show the same results? Didn't we discover this together, tell us the truth my dear Ludwig?"

"How do you know all this information, it's supposed to be top secret?  And the truth, you can't handle the truth."

"Ludwig, don't you know that your research papers are all over the internet.  I want you to confess, here and today, to this scientific symposium how you used me as your human guinea pig and look at me today, you can't even recognize your own brother. You made me into a monster."

"REMOVE THIS FRAUD AND CHARLATAN."

(Next question)



"Doctor Frankel. I traveled 4023 miles to stand by your side and to give you the emotional support you deserve against these liable attacks I expected from the scientific community.  They are all seriously jealous of your genius. I promise to smother you with hugs and kisses so you will forget these nasty people. I have arranged a private suite, so we can review all your findings in private with a bowl of delicious wild berries and vintage champagne."



"Wait one minute, no one is taking my first field assignment to no hotel room.  I am FBI agent Donald McDonald and I am here to accompany Dr. Frankel back to the Czechoslovakia embassy. You with the Frankenstein mask, let's not have any trouble here, I warn you. I have a  purple belt in Karate. Now stand back the FBI is taking over.  Is this damn microphone on, can anybody hear me out there?  I may have to call for backup, he's coming towards me."
                                          ***

Copyright 2017 Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV. 

Visit our Summerlin's Writers Workshop: www.summerlinww.blogspot.com
Topic: Las Vegas Shooting Tragedy
           Halloween series






Saturday, October 28, 2017

'MY EX-GIRLFRIEND' By Mort Harris


     The first time I looked into your eyes I saw one eye was moving back and forth and the other eye was trying to keep up. I had to wait for her eyes to stop spinning so we could see eye to eye. The only way I can describe them is that some women's eyes are blue and some women's eyes are brown, her eyes were plaid. She was the only person who can read a newspaper and point to the clouds at the same time.

     Her teeth were out-standing, they looked like pearls, both of them. But her hair was indescribable; they glistened in the sun light and sparkled in the dark with faint smell of insecticide and stiffener.

     I loved her checks they were warm and soft right after she shaved and the scent of after shaving lotion hung on her breath. What I mistook for a beauty mark on her chin was a sprinkling of a growth of a new Van Dyke. 

     Everyone knew she was a generous and good person with a big heart, of course in medical terms it would be considered an enlarged heart. Nevertheless, she is still known as a considerate person. If you ask her she would even take the shirt off her back and this would lead to many embarrassing moments. She was the kind of woman who would definitely standout in my crowd. She as seven foot tall in her bare feet because she could never find shoes wide enough to fit.  I was only five foot five, with three inch heels and this discrepancy created a giant rift in our relationship. I would look up to her, while she looked down, down at me.

     She would lift me up so we could kiss goodnight. She didn't know her own strength, she even once ripped the door handle off a car, but I had only myself to blame, I forgot to tell her it wan't my car she was trying to get in.

     She loved to sing and had a voice of a bird, a parrot. But we knew it would never last. I went back to the city and she went back to the forest.
                                      ***

Copyright 2013 Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vegas - NV


Our author Mort Harris

Scan down and also visit our Summerlin's Blog:
www.summerlinww.blogspot.com