Monday, January 22, 2018

'RANSOM NOTE 101" By Jerry Silvers

                              


“Good morning students”

Welcome to Creative Writing Ransom Notes 101. My name is Professor Nowheretogo.  Just call me professor. You all had to submit a ransom note to qualify for this advance class along with your mental stability report. Most of you failed both.”

“ARE YOU ALL CRAZY, sending me a hand-written ransom notes, you must be, if you’re paying $250.00 to attend my class.”

Student: “But professor most of us didn’t have a computer or typewriter when we took the entrance exam.”

“Aha!,  this is where you need to have ingenuity and imagination, he shouted to the mystified class.”

“Number one, never submit a ransom note hand written or on a typewriter with a letter out of kilter.”

“Number two, never send a ransom note to the FBI, CIA, or Scotland Yard, if you don’t want to be caught.”

“Number three, make sure you kidnap your victim before sending out the note.”

“Number four, make sure you know how to accomplish your threat if it will be a cyber-attack.”

“Number five, plan in advance what finger or ear you will send along with your threat and it will arrive safe and sound in a non-descriptive packaging. Make sure all figure prints are removed, except the ones you want to be accused of doing this crime.” 

(Ransom Note 102 redirecting the crime to others—blame -blame- blame)

“Number six, we will demonstrate on how to cut out letters from magazines to create another form of creating ransom notes. This must be down in a uniform matter, not just random cuttings. This will take up the balance of the six-week course.”

“Finally, we will discuss what countries that do not extradition laws and their accommodations. And for some stupid reason you get caught, on how to spend the rest of your life in prison and regretting spending the $250.00 to take this stinking course.”
                                                   
                                                    ***

Copyright 2017 Sun City Writers Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.


My little birdy said,

“I highly recommend this course as part of your creative writing curriculum.”  Thank you!

Sunday, January 21, 2018

'YESTERDAY AND TODAY' By Mitchell Phillips



I was a different person yesterday before I got bitten by a Vampire. How did it happen? How did I let a guy with a black cape give me a hickey on my neck at three in the morning?

I was a little tipsy, you know… three sheets to the wind….
At first it tickled, then I felt like I feel every time I gave blood at the Red Cross. I remember asking him for some orange juice. He gave me a roll of assorted life savers.

If I didn’t have them in my pants today when I woke up I would have thought it was a dream. When I did wake up it was dark out. I looked in my mirror… but saw no reflection. When my girlfriend came over I asked her to look at my neck.

She said. “Are you seeing Jennifer again?

“Off course not.”

 “Then where did you get that hickey”

I was at O’Riellys bar yesterday night and drank a little too much. Some guy in a black cape asked if he could suck my blood and before I could answer he bit me on my neck.

“Why can’t you just tell me the truth?”

“I am, I have a roll of life savers to prove it.”

‘You’re hopeless.”

“Come over here honey and I’ll show you exactly how he did it.”

“That tickles. Ouch… I feel a little weak.”

“You want a life saver.
                                         ***

Copyright 2018 Summerlin's Writers Workshop - Las Vegas, NV. 




 Mitch's Books are available on Amazon.com















Scan down to read over thirty original comedy short stories and poems by some of our very talented 
senior comedy writers.
Also visit our Summerlin's Writers and Poets Blog:

summerlinww.blogspot.com 


Wednesday, January 17, 2018

'A CHANCE MEETING' By Morrie Greenberg


       I admit it. I have a craving, a weakness, an irresistible impulse for Chinese food. And so, once a week, usually on a Sunday evening, I visit my favorite Chinese restaurant and indulge. However, I had no idea that visit to satisfy my cravings would lead me to the most exciting and most excruciating adventure of my life. Let me start at the beginning.

     A number of weeks ago I sat sipping a last cup of tea at my favorite Chinese restaurant. The waiter placed a fortune cookie in front of me. Now, ordinarily I do not bother with such frivolous doings, but compelled me to open it. I read: "Take a chance. Take that ride."

     I laid it all to a marvelous coincidence. For months, I had postponed taking a river raft journey with friends. I was apprehensive (translate that to very afraid.) The raft ride would take us around half-hidden rocks; the water would plunge us down a series of cascading falls. But, by golly, if that fortune cookies message dis not push me over the edge. I boarded that river raft and all fear gave way to absolute exhilaration.



     I was back eating at my favorite Chinese restaurant a few days after my river venture. Once again, following dinner I found the iconic fortune cookie on my table. I crushed open the cookie and read: "Take a chance. You would be a winner."

     Now, call me crazy, I took a heavy sum out of the bank account and raced to the track. I bet on every race, including the daily double. By the eight race I had close to half a million dollars.

     I was pleased with the good fortune, but the power of the cookie and the weird results that it brought unnerved me somewhat. However, I soon succumbed and flung open another cookie. The message inside: "Beware of chance meeting."

      I figured the note must have been quirky humor often found in fortune cookies. I find it difficult to recount what happened next. I
sate eating dinner at an uptown restaurant I often frequented when a voice from the table next to me interrupted with.

     "Don't I know you?"

     I turned around  to stare at the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. 

     "Know me? I don't think so," I said then invited her to join me. Soon we were talking small talk. I won't go into details -- it is too painful -- other than to tell you we exchanged phone numbers, and yes, before long we were taking trips together: Paris, London, Rio, the finest hotels and world renowned restaurants, first class plane hops, wonderful cruises. Nothing was too good for her.

     In time, both my money and the beautiful lady ran out. I felt crushed until one day it finally sunk in. She was a con artist, and I was the simple minded patsy.

     I went back to my Chinese restaurant a number of times, but the fortune cookie messages were always the same. An in big bold letters: 
     "Didn't I tell you to beware of chance meetings."

     You know, I think I just lost my appetite for Chinese food.
                                      ***

Copyright 2016 Morrie Greenberg
Morrie's book are available on line.
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Congratulations to Geri Bedrosian as the new president of the Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop. 



We now have over (30) original comedy stories posted on this website. If you can down to the bottom, hit older posting to continue reading them. Our senior citizens group enjoy reading your comments and recommendations. 

Also visit our Summerlin's Writer Workshop Blog:

SUMMERLINWW.BLOGSPOT.COM 



Read Grace Silvers' posting called "Turn it Around" (Poem)


     

     

"THANK YOU TO OUR ITALIAN BLOGGERS" (UPDATE ) By Jerry Silvers


     We want to thank our Italian bloggers for the tremendously supporting our new Comedy Writers Workshop here in Las Vegas, Nevada. Our retired writers and poets appreciate your comments and recommendations. 
    We also hope you will visit our Summerlin's Writers Workshop.

summerlinwww.blogspot.com

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"The Message"  submitted by Grace Silvers on the Summerlin's blog. 


 “3 O’clock p.m. Prayer to the Divine Mercy

                     You died Jesus, but the source of life
                  flowed out for the souls and the ocean
              of mercy opened up for the whole world.  

                    O Fountain of Life, immeasurable
             Divine Mercy. Cover the whole world and
                        empty yourself out upon us.

                O Blood and Water which flowed out
              from the heart of Jesus as a fountain of
                       mercy for us, I trust in You.

                     Holy God, Holy Mighty One,
                           Holy immortal One,
            have mercy on us and the whole world.
                                     
                                    (3 times)

                                      
               Jesus, King of Mercy, I trust in You!



       
                               
                                                                                                           Pope's message!

                                                            


                                          












"I'M GLAD IT'S IN THIS WORLD" By Mitch Phillips

     


     I could live without it and even though it was accidentally discovered, it doesn't make it any less valuable.

     I may have never learned to tie my shoes if Velcro was invented earlier, Lionel Richie wrote a song about it. "Called Stuck on you."

     I always like to experiment. I put Velcro strips on my pajamas and mattress to keep from falling out of bed. It worked.  Three fireman couldn't pry me from my bed. After my wife stopped laughing hysterically and before the fireman brought in the jaws of life she unbuttoned my PJ's and I slipped out of them naked and that's when the fireman started laughing hysterically. 

     Undeterred, my love affair with Velcro continued, I replaced the zippers on my fly's and buttons on my shirts with Velcro. When I used a public urinal, the sound of me opening my fly caused many heads to turn and stop in midstream.

     Then I saw the movie Spiderman and realized if I played my Velcro right, I could attain superhero status. Big lots had a blowout sale on Velcro. I rented a Penske rental truck and bought the whole lot. 

     My wife never dissuaded me. She loved the idea that she could hear me undress and have time to put her book away and fain sleep, not having to give the lame excuse, honey not tonight, I have a headache. 

     After the failure to extricate myself from the bed incident, she suggested I write a book called Velcro for dummies.

     She was helpful during my experiments with Velcro seat belt. I would be stuck in my car for hours and see her through the kitchen window having coffee, reading the newspaper and smoking cigarettes. When I flashed my headlights, a signal we agreed upon, the front door opened and she appeared holding a bathrobe.

     Like many of my pie in the sky ideas, this petered out. I'm still glad Velcro is in the world and if any of you out there would like to purchase some, please drop by my house. I had been selling them out of the trunk of my car but can no longer open the truck.

     Each $10.00 dollar purchase includes a copy of my book "Velcro for Dummies."
                                            ***

Copyright 2018 Sun City Writer Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.




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Tuesday, January 16, 2018

"ONE PHOTOGRAPH CAN SAY MORE THAN 1000 WORDS" By Jerry Silvers



     This photograph was taken over 60 years ago, when my nephew Steve and his cousin Susan were about three or four. I am still smiling today remembering how upset Steve was losing a contest to Susan for a peppermint candy stick. Lucky someone was there to capture the moment.
Sharing - Jerry 

Saturday, January 13, 2018

'THE REUNION' By Mort Harris

     



    In honor of Veterans Day, the Indian Nation called the tribes together to honor the veterans of the Indian Wars. This reunion was to be held in the Great Medicine Falls, Indiana. Their veterans are called G. I's, which stand for genuine Indian, and we invited them with and without reservations to rendezvous this Thursday at Boot Camp or their version called it moccasin training area.

    They came from all over the country; from the far northwest came the Washington Red Skins, and from Midwest the Cleveland Indians and the Atlantic Braves. 

    Security did have their problems, people showed up insisting they were real Indians, even though they did not look like Indians, they insisted they were and that they traveled all the way from New Delhi.

    "Armistice Day" was not known to them, as we originally called it, they referred to it as "Bury the Hatchet Day."

     Weapons were not allowed, all bows and arrows were left at the door. Visitors were cautioned to avoid scalpers selling over priced tickets. A section was set aside to pay respect to those who were wounded and disabled, especially those family members that gave their lives. The wounded received and deserved the purple liver for their injuries. 

     The cars that transported to and from the reunion, all sported a ribbon saying "Support our Troops".  They honored all branches including the cavalry and the mighty navy of six canoes. They gave thanks to our country that provided them food, liquor, beads, and finally gave them the shaft. The sad part of the reunion story is most of our people are out of work since they no longer made Western Movies.
                                         ***

Copyright Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.


Scan down to read over thirty comedy short stories, when you hit the bottom go to older postings.  "Read his story "How the West was Won."
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Also visit our Summerlin's Blog and read the following new postings.

SUMMERLINWW.BLOGSPOT.COM

"THE MESSAGE" submission by Grace Silvers
"This Great Man Lives on"  By Grace Silvers