Tuesday, October 31, 2017

'SERIOUSLY' - REVISED - By Jerry Silvers



Doctor Ludwig Frankel 
(Location of the scientific symposium:  A large ballroom at the Atlanta Convention Center. Only a few members of the society are now present for their first speaker.)

(Announcer) "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the ninth annual scientific symposium here in Atlanta. We are so please to announce that our first speaker is the renown scientist Dr. Ludwig Frankel. Dr. Frankel has traveled 4000 miles from Prague to present his latest findings on the benefit of the apricot pit to the World Health Organization. I give you Dr, Ludwig Frankel." (A few mild applause)

"Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen. Seriously, I am afraid to announce after landing here in Atlanta, my government informed me that my scientific papers have now been classified 'Top Secret'.
I can assure you and to every member present that my findings will revolutionize the world of science and make me a very rich and famous scientist.   I will now take questions."



"Doctor Frankel, I have two questions for you today."

"What is your name, sir?"

"My name is Pepper, Dr, A.P. Pepper, and what I would like to know Doctor, did you have prior knowledge that this auditorium you're now standing in has a history of being haunted and has been televised On Search for the Paranormal?"

Also, were you disappointed that the Scientific Symposium council failed to provide you with the visual aid equipment you requested? By the way Doctor, I traveled 4021 miles to ask these questions."

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THESE QUESTIONS HAVE TO DO WITH MY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH AND DISCOVERIES?"

"Nothing, I just like to attend these symposium and ask questions." 

(Announcer -Next Question)



"Doctor, I have a question."

"You look familiar, what is your name?"

"Seriously, my name is Charles Frankel, your brother. I think Ludwig you crushed too many apricot pits, and I came here to stop you from making a fool of yourself. I traveled 4022 miles to confront you with your own findings.  My question to you my dear Ludwig and symposium, doesn't your findings on the apricot pit extraction compare to the avocado and heart of an artichoke show the same results? Didn't we discover this together, tell us the truth my dear Ludwig?"

"How do you know all this information, it's supposed to be top secret?  And the truth, you can't handle the truth."

"Ludwig, don't you know that your research papers are all over the internet.  I want you to confess, here and today, to this scientific symposium how you used me as your human guinea pig and look at me today, you can't even recognize your own brother. You made me into a monster."

"REMOVE THIS FRAUD AND CHARLATAN."

(Next question)



"Doctor Frankel. I traveled 4023 miles to stand by your side and to give you the emotional support you deserve against these liable attacks I expected from the scientific community.  They are all seriously jealous of your genius. I promise to smother you with hugs and kisses so you will forget these nasty people. I have arranged a private suite, so we can review all your findings in private with a bowl of delicious wild berries and vintage champagne."



"Wait one minute, no one is taking my first field assignment to no hotel room.  I am FBI agent Donald McDonald and I am here to accompany Dr. Frankel back to the Czechoslovakia embassy. You with the Frankenstein mask, let's not have any trouble here, I warn you. I have a  purple belt in Karate. Now stand back the FBI is taking over.  Is this damn microphone on, can anybody hear me out there?  I may have to call for backup, he's coming towards me."
                                          ***

Copyright 2017 Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV. 

Visit our Summerlin's Writers Workshop: www.summerlinww.blogspot.com
Topic: Las Vegas Shooting Tragedy
           Halloween series






Saturday, October 28, 2017

'MY EX-GIRLFRIEND' By Mort Harris


     The first time I looked into your eyes I saw one eye was moving back and forth and the other eye was trying to keep up. I had to wait for her eyes to stop spinning so we could see eye to eye. The only way I can describe them is that some women's eyes are blue and some women's eyes are brown, her eyes were plaid. She was the only person who can read a newspaper and point to the clouds at the same time.

     Her teeth were out-standing, they looked like pearls, both of them. But her hair was indescribable; they glistened in the sun light and sparkled in the dark with faint smell of insecticide and stiffener.

     I loved her checks they were warm and soft right after she shaved and the scent of after shaving lotion hung on her breath. What I mistook for a beauty mark on her chin was a sprinkling of a growth of a new Van Dyke. 

     Everyone knew she was a generous and good person with a big heart, of course in medical terms it would be considered an enlarged heart. Nevertheless, she is still known as a considerate person. If you ask her she would even take the shirt off her back and this would lead to many embarrassing moments. She was the kind of woman who would definitely standout in my crowd. She as seven foot tall in her bare feet because she could never find shoes wide enough to fit.  I was only five foot five, with three inch heels and this discrepancy created a giant rift in our relationship. I would look up to her, while she looked down, down at me.

     She would lift me up so we could kiss goodnight. She didn't know her own strength, she even once ripped the door handle off a car, but I had only myself to blame, I forgot to tell her it wan't my car she was trying to get in.

     She loved to sing and had a voice of a bird, a parrot. But we knew it would never last. I went back to the city and she went back to the forest.
                                      ***

Copyright 2013 Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vegas - NV


Our author Mort Harris

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Thursday, October 26, 2017

'RICKLES INTERVIEWS VICTIMS OF CALIFORNIA FIRES' By Jerry Silvers


                      
       
Local television station KLZ is desperate to cover all the wild fires in the Los Angeles area. They assign Rickles, the local traffic announcer, to fill in as a temporary field interviewer. This could be Don’s opportunity of his career to move up the ladder as a field reporter.

(“Let’s see how he does.”)


(The scene is burnt-out homes and some fires that continue to linger in this residential area. Almost everyone has evacuated, a few stragglers stayed and tried to save their homes with garden hoses.)
                        
         
“Hey you numnuts camera man, what the hells’ taking you so long, where did they recruit you from the local camera club?”

“My names Charlie, I appreciate you address me so.”

“Okay numnuts Charlie, let’s get this on the road. You know it’s a great opportunity for the both of us. Kid this is no joke, wake up kid and smell that smoke -wait a minute that familiar smoke is coming from you and what you’re smoking? Just hold that camera straight, well you please. No, I don’t want a joint."

“I think you need one, it will calm you down.”

“No, you imbecile, I prefer to drink myself to oblivion like normal people.”

“Where the hell did that audio nitwit disappear too? Where did they get him from, they probably dredged the bottom tank at the audio school of nitwits?”
                                                **

(Broadcast from fire site)           

 “On The Air”


“Yes, Bob we’re here at the corner of Jefferson and Flamingo Drive and we have just been updated by the fire fighters, who have  been fighting this terrible fire storm where almost 45 homes have been lost in just this area of town. A few locals stayed on to try to fight the fires with garden hoses, but the fire line moved too fast for our professional to stop. We are attempting to locate one of these individuals.”

“Wait one minute, my camera man is signaling me to my right, it seems like we found a survivor crawling from under the rubble. My God I think we are under attack from a zombie apocalypse, someone get me a cross or stake, I forgot which one works with zombies. Wait he looks okay, I think we’re safe.”

“What’s your name, why do you have all this jewelry hanging out of your pockets, what are you robbing these houses, you smuck, someone call the police.”

“Wait mister, I can’t remember anything. I think I went back to my house to try to save my wife’s jewelry, but I’m not sure. I do remember that my name is Rex.”

“Here Rex, here Rex, I’ll get you a saddle. Okay Rex, tell me about your experience with returning to your home.”

“Well I was in this house (I think it was my house) trying to gather up all our valuables, when all kind of flashing white light were coming in from the front windows. Thinking it was the cops, I opened the front door with my hands up, to make sure they didn’t shoot me. To my surprise it was two alien grays grabbing me by my arms and helping me escape the fire storm into their ship. The next thing I remember was waking up in the rubble and seeing you.”

“Well, Bob, you heard the account from my only witness and of course this will end my career as a reported. I will always be known as the reporter on the Zombie Apocalypse meets the alien’s abduction, with a butthead named Rex robbing abandon homes on Flamingo Drive. “

"I know this looks like Looney Tunes, but this is all I have for now, signing off, I’m Traffic Officer Rickles from KLZ."
                                                  
                                        ***



Copyright 2017 Summerlin’s Writers and Poets Workshop. – Las Vegas, NV.



Author’s Note: My condolences to victims of the California wild fires and their families. My Essence of sitcom comedy writing is not to make light of these tragedies, but to bring to the attention of our world-wide readers of these tragedies and especially  low-life’s like Rex who take advantage of situations like this, for their own gain. 

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Christmas and Holiday stories and poems.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

'ED COMES TO THE RESCUE' By Jerry Silvers

                                      


(Alice) “Ralph what happened to you, it’s after eight, you should have been home hours ago.”

(Ralph) “Alice, I did it again, I make a mess out of everything. I don’t want to talk about it right now, I’m too upset. What’s for supper?”
                                           **
(Alice) “Now Ralph you tell me what happen, why were you so late?’

(Ralph), “It’s that damn bus 2969, I knew it was bad luck, how did I ever get stuck assigned to drive her. I tried to talk my way out of it with Louie the boss, he wouldn’t take any excuse.”
“ You see Alice, I’m driving down my Broadway route to 73rd street and I was making a right hand turn on 73rd, when she died right in the middle street blocking both intersections. I tried re-starting it, it was dead. This cop came over, very angry, that I was the cause of a traffic jam for miles in both directions.”

“What do you want me to do, a tow truck can’t make it through this mess, even my mechanics will take hours to arrive?  He told me to get
out and gets some people to help me push the bus to the side. No luck the transmission was locked. Then he tells me he is giving me two citations for blocking traffic and preventing emergency vehicles from access.”

“That’s not the half of it Louie suspended me for four weeks to pay for the traffic tickets.”

(Alice) “That’s not fair.”

“How are we going to meet all our bills?”

(Alice) “Don’t you worry, something always comes up.”
                                   **
(Ed and Trixie knock on the door and Alice lets them in.)


(Ed) “How you doing old pal? You want to go bowling down at Archey’s place?”

(Ralph) “Not tonight. I’m not feeling too good, I got suspended for a
whole month.”

“That’s terrible Ralph. Is there anything I could do to help?”

“Ya, find me a job.”

“I just might know of someone I met today that could help you.”

“Where did you meet him in the sewer?”

“No, stupid at McDonalds.”
                                                      **
(The next evening Ed calls down to Alice to tell her he’s bringing over his friend to see if he could help Ralph during his suspension.)
“Ralph and Alice I want you to me my new friend Donald.”


(Donald) “My friend Ed told me you have some problems at work and I told him I would be always available to help people in distress. He told me about you problem and I am partners with Archey’s Bowling Alley and you can work there part time until I get you back driving your bus.”

(Alice) “That wonderful, isn’t Ralph?”

(Ralph) “Thank you Mr. Donald, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.”
                                                   **
(Ralph goes down to the bowling alley and is assigned to be a pin spotter.) 

(Note: Before automatic systems set the pins in place and returned the ball, it was done manually.)

“Alice, I can’t take another day at the bowling alley, they want to kill me; with wild pins and flying bowling balls. I have to jump up on the ledge to get away from getting hit. The noise is unbearable, even with ear plugs. I was doing good handling two lanes, now they gave me four. I can’t keep up with it.”

“I’m going to quit!”

(Alice) “It’s alright Ralph relax, the bus company called and they are shorthanded and your suspension has canceled. Also, Donald called to tell you everything will be okay. Even the bus number 2969 has been sent to Iran’s President as a gift. We hope he enjoys driving his kids to school.”
                                                    ***
Copyright 2017 Sun City Writers Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.
Jerry Silvers, Author and past presidents of both workshops.





Monday, October 23, 2017

'LUCY'S GRAND SCHEME' By Jerry Silvers

                                                

(Breakfast with Lucy and Ricky)       

"Ricky, since Ricky Jr. is now in school full time, maybe it’s time I come back to the club and see how I can help.”

“No way Lucy, it took me two weeks to settle my team down from the havoc you did last time. Why don’t you try some volunteer week, work at McDonalds or maybe go back to school?” 
                                                           
                                             **

(Two months later, Lucy has been able to keep her secret – almost impossible for her, but she did it.)

“Ricky, I invited Fred and Ethel to come downstairs and join us, I have a special  announcement.”

“I hope you’re not pregnant – jokingly and kisses her!”
 
 (Fred and Ethel are now at the door.)


“Please everyone please, take a seat.  I have something important to show you.”  She holds up her frame diploma. “I just graduated from the school of Astrology and I am now a certified Astrologist.”  

Everyone applauds! “What’s an astrologist?” Everyone said simultaneously.

(Ricky)       “Lucy, are you telling us you’re a fortune teller?”

“No Ricky, Astrology is very scientific, everything is based on the Stars location at your birth.  Many Kings and Generals throughout history made decisions based on Astrology. Now take a look at my new business cards. I am offering a complete Astrological chart for an introductory price of $10.00.”

(Ricky) “Lucy, how many of these cards did you print up and distribute?’

“I only order 100 to start and posted about 50.”
Fred interrupts, “Lucy where are you going to run this business?’

“Right here in our apartment, so I can be home and watch Little Ricky and do all the cooking and housework.”

(Fred) “No you can’t Lucy, you can’t run a business out this apartment under our lease, I’ll have to evict you. You probably don’t even have a business license.”

“Fred, I am bringing you and Ethel as my partners, I really think this is a winner and I can’t do it alone.”

“Now, you’re talking.  Ethel and I will be glad to help!”

(Ricky)   “Wait one minute, we have a problem here, and everyone hold their horses.”. “You can’t print your home address on the business card and phone number, people will be showing and calling up day and night. We need to collect all those you posted and re-print them with a P.O. Box number and will have to bring in a second phone line and message recorder.  Ethel, can you go along with Lucy and collect the cards before the phone start ringing?”   

(Ring, Ring, Ring!) 

(Knock, Knock, Knock)  "Too Late!"



(Day one of Lucy’s new business)

Lucy looks gorgeous with her hair done, makeup, and dressed in a business suit. She is on the way to a guest appearance on the local television news show and several radio interviews.
She’s taken over the dining room table as her office and it’s now scattered with Astrology charts, reference books, typewriter, typing paper, envelopes, and files.

(Day number ten of Lucy’s new business)

Lucy still looks great, hair done, makeup just right and she is dressed in a silk blouse and jeans. She now comes to the realization that it takes her almost an hour to create the chart and type up each request. She needs to raise her price to at least $20.00.  Fred wants to place an ad in the local paper at $20.00 a chart. They all agreed, it was a good idea.

(Day 45 of Lucy’s new business)


The impact of the newspaper ad along with the television and radio interviews have now taken its hold. Orders are coming in droves. Lucy is now working all day and way into the night trying to keep up. She’s in her housecoat and pajama’s.  And her hair hasn’t been done in days and forget about the makeup. Ricky Jr. hasn’t spoken to his mom in three days, just occasional aha or okay, as she acts like she is in another world.

Ricky is taking notice and very concerned. Their home and life is a disaster and Lucy is so exhausted she is walking around in circles and can’t sleep.

(Ethel) “I quit, the phones don’t stop ringing, people want their money back, they say they received the wrong chart, they want to talk to Lucy, they want to drop it off because it’s a life and death situation.  I can’t sleep and we can’t keep up with the orders.

(Fred)  “I quit also, the bank said that there were too many bounced checks, people forget to give us a return address, they forget to give us their birth date. I’m getting calls from the better business bureau and the cities commission on illegal enterprises. And when do we get paid?”

Lucy just stands there in a daze exhausted and crying.



Ricky takes her in his arms and says, “Lucy, don’t cry we will just close the business and that will be the end of it.”

“But Ricky, I don’t want to lose Fred and Ethel as our friends!”

“Don’t worry they will get over it, they love you.”

“Maybe when I get well, we can tell our clients, we were shut down for renovations, like they do in the restaurant business.”

“No Lucy, forget about going back into business. I want you to stay home and take care of little Ricky and me."


                                            ***


Copyright 2017 Summerlin’s Writers and Poets Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.


Visit our Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop to read several new postings by just some of our talented writers and poets.

Theme series postings: "Halloween".

www.summerlinww.blogspot.com








Saturday, October 21, 2017

'NIGHT VISIT TO THE DENTIST' By Mitchell L. Phillips


 “Honey there’s a man on the phone named Count Igor he has an emergency”

“Dr. Yank and Pull… I presume.”

“Yes. How did you get my home phone number, I’m not in the book?"

“You must forgive me I was desperate. I got it from a friend”

“I can call in a prescription for pain and will see you on Monday.”

“I can’t wait. I will make it worth your while.”

“What plan do you have?”

“The cash plan.”

“Come in early tomorrow morning.”

“It must be after sundown.”

“That’s out of the question.”

“Money is no object doctor.”

“Okay. Seven Pm at my office.”

“Thank you and good evening, Dr. Yank and Pull.”

“I can’t believe you’re going to see a patient on a Saturday evening,” Said his wife.

“I think he’s orthodox.”

                                                ***

“Okay let’s get started. You can take off your cape.”

“I prefer to leave it on.”

“Fine… open wide. Those two upper cusped or canine teeth look hollow, we’re going to have to fill them.”

“Just repair the crack… Dr.”

“If I don’t fill them all types of food will get stuck up there.”

“I will be careful what drink I…I mean eat.”

“Your gums are all white, almost devoid of blood.”

“I’m a little low… but the night is young.”

“I can’t see a reflection from your tooth in my dental mirror I need to take a set of x-ray’s.”

“Forget it. Just do your best with the cracked tooth.”

“What kind of bone did you break your tooth on?

“A neck bone.”

“My wife usually throws the neck bone out when she cooks chicken.”

“You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“Okay that should do it. Bite down.”

Count Igor sunk his teeth into Dr. Yank and Pull’s neck, slowly drawing enough blood to render him unconscious.

“You are a wonderful dentist my dear doctor.”

Count Igor dropped $1500 in cash on top of the sleeping dentist, then raised his cape and flew out the window becoming a small speck in the glow of the street lamps.

***
“Hi honey I’m home.”

“You look pale was it a tough procedure?”

“All I remember is waking up with $1500 in cash on my lap and Count Igor was gone.”

“$1500! Come over here and give me a big kiss.”

“That feels good I love when you kiss my neck. Ouch, why did you bite me? Oh, Oh, don’t stop”
                                       ***

Copyright 2017 Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.

Our Author Mitch Phillips and all of his books are available on Amazon.com


This is Mitch's new comedy book available on Amazon.com E-book $2.99.


                     (Excerpt from his new book.)


Spencer and Bernie sat in the hospital room with veils of sadness covering their faces.
Harry Smith comatose, lying in bed, eyes closed, with IV’s and monitors hooked to his body.
Bernie choked back tears.
“He gave us our careers, taught us everything we know,” said Bernie.
“You're right, we’d still be writing one-liners making boopkis.”
“It's not boopkis, it’s bubkis.”
“Poor Harry loved when I said Yiddish expressions incorrectly, Bernie.”
“Harry loved you. I tolerate you.”
“He's not dead yet, don't talk of him in the past tense,” said Spencer.
“Look at him. Look at him. Face it.  Harry won't be here for us anymore. I can't bear it.”
“We're all he has.” Bernie trudged to Harry’s hospital bed, wiped a tear from his eye, leaned over and whispered in Harry's ear.
Harry began to stir. One eye opened, than the other.  He scanned the room, and struggled to sit up. He began to detach himself from all the apparatus. He winced as he took the IV out of his arm.
“Get me my clothes,” Harry said, his voice lacking tone.
He reached under the sheets, pulled out a tube and held it up. “Who put this thing in my you know what?”
Spencer covered his eyes and looked between his fingers. “Your heart, Harry, what are you doing? You can’t take that out,” said Spencer, now paler then Harry.
“My heart?” Harry waved the tube. “This didn't come out of my heart. All of a sudden you're telling me what I can do.  If it weren’t for me, you would still be writing jokes for starving comedians. And you, Spencer, trying to hide behind your hands. Right now I'm waiting for one of you schlemiels to get my clothes.”
Spencer gave Bernie an incredulous look. “What did you whisper in his ear?”
                                        ***



Monday, October 16, 2017

"BUSTER, THE ROYAL PROCRASTINATOR AND HURRICANE HARVEY" -REVISED By Jerry Silvers (Essence of Comedy writing)

              
                                  
                                     “Hurricane Harvey”

Herman Trust is Buster’s neighbor and his best friend.

 “Buster, so you decided to stay and ride-out the hurricane. I’m glad your letting your wife come with us to Dallas. You’ve got to know Buster, if they tell us to evacuate it’s pretty serious, there’s going to be 10-foot title surge and we are only two blocks from the ocean.”

“Thanks for taking Loraine to her sister's.  I’ll be alright. I’m going to make sure our home is safe and sound.”

“Buster, did you get the flood insurance I suggested you buy last year?”

“I never got around to it, but it’s on my list. I’m going to get some sand bags and board up the windows.”

“You know the lumber yard is sold out of plywood board. Did you stock up with water, firewood, canned food, candles, how about a generator?”

“It’s all on my list, see!”

“What happens when the water comes inside house?”

“I’m ready for that, I’ve got a brand-new bucket.”

“I give up.”

Poor Buster was a good sole, but he always seemed to have a good reason to procrastinate. When he was very young he dreamed of one day getting married and buying a home near the ocean. It took him seven years to propose to Loraine to marry him and another 10 years to save up to buy a house.

(Buster never trusted banks and save his money under his mattress.)


               
As the storm approach, Buster ran from here to there trying to find supplies and wood to cover his windows. They were either sold out or wanted extraordinary high prices he just couldn’t afford.

He found scrap lumber and nailed it over the windows in a helter skelter method. He even started to nail and tape his clothes over the windows. He thought he could protect his house by digging a ditch around it. (As we imagine seeing him working on this project day and night.)

As the winds started to increase, the water surge engulfed his ditch construction. He started to panic as the house slowly was filling with water. He removed the drawers from his bedroom dresser and pushed it out the back door, just as the entire house was lifted off it’s foundation.

Our last scene is of Buster frantically paddling away down the stream of water with his house following close behind.
                                                   ***



Author's notes: My condolences to those who have lost love ones and homes to these Hurricane tragedies. My Essence of Sitcom Comedy Writing is not to make light of these situations, but to let our worldwide readers become knowledgeable about the suffering and loss taking place here in America.  


Copyright 2017 Summerlin’s Writers and Poets Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.   
Author Jerry Silvers and founder of Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.

Visit our Summerlin's blog: www.summerlinww.blogspot.com
read several new postings on the Las Vegas Shooting tragedy.