Sunday, July 22, 2018

'ONCE UPON A MODERN TIME...." By Alice Magraine (Poem)


Once upon a modern time,
In a land that never was;
A lovely princess (aren’t they all?)
Was doing what a princess does.

She was sitting by her window,
In a castle so hard to find,
Sighing the way that princesses do,
And bored out of her mind.

The princess was madly hoping,
Someone would find her there;
A prince, a knight, any guy at all,
She uttered a silent prayer.

“I just want to be like other girls,
“Who party and dance all night;
“Go out to clubs where I’d smoke and drink,
“And not return till light.”

She swiped her tindr app and found,
A handsome looking knight;
They made a date, he said he’d come,
And rescue her that night.

The princess donned her sparkliest dress,
And her highest platform shoes;
She waited and waited anxiously,
Hoping it wasn’t a ruse.

The sound of heavy horsepower,
Was music to her ear;
Her handsome knight was coming,
Then his chariot appeared.


“Hey, Princess, whassup?” he asked her;
As from his big Harley he jumped
“I think you’d better change your clothes,
You need to wear leather…get pumped!”

OMG, she thought, who is this jerk?
I have to think real fast;
“Gee, Hon, you’d better ride away,
Or you’ll hear Dad’s shotgun blast.”

Her words struck home…that’s all it took,
For the knight to jump back on;
And ride his Harley from whence he came;
The princess was left alone.

Rather than take another chance,
She went and asked her father;
Consult your friends and find me a man,
So I won’t have to bother.

If you were hoping all would end well,
Then you’re seriously mistaken;
That only happens in fairy tales,
In this case I would be faking.

Her father, the king, married her off,
To his best friend’s stupid son;
Her life was dull and dreary,
And this story’s almost done.



Every so often when she’s really depressed,
The princess thinks of her knight;
And wonders if she’d left with him,
Would her life have worked out right?

But this is a modern fairy tale,
No princes arrive ‘round the bend;
No knights run off with the king’s darling girl,
And the end is just THE END.
***

© Alice Magraine - Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV. 

 Alice's books are available on Amazon.com
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Saturday, July 21, 2018

'A FAIRY TALE PART II" By Mort Harris

Part II

We now take you to the office of the Mafia Chief Bruno Mandlebaum. His accountant, Nathan Muchgelt, is trying to convince Bruno to take his nephew, Chuck, into the business with him. Over the speaker you hear, "Mr. Mandlebaum, your nephew is outside and he would like to talk to you about a job."


Bruno: "That Schmuck!"

Nathan: "That's Chuck; he's your sister's kid. She thinks he should be part of the family business."

Bruno: "In this business you gotta be cruel, heartless, cold blooded."

Nathan: "Give him a chance, he could be like that."


Bruno: "Could he be cruel and heartless? Hah! I once stepped on a bug and he threw up. He should have been a priest."

Nathan: "He needs someone he can look down to. Someone who is vile, vicious, inhuman. Someone he can admire."

Bruno: "Oh, you mean my mother!"

Nathan: "No, I mean you."

Bruno: "That nephew of mine is polite, courteous and has manners. He's a disgrace."

Nathan: "Your sister asked me to speak to you about him."

Bruno: "My sister. She ruined him. She spoiled him."

Nathan: "How can you say that, she used to beat up his father right in front of him."

Bruno: "That's where she went wrong. She should have had him beat up his father."

Nathan: "He didn't stay long enough."

Bruno: "Would you believe she gave him a car for his graduation?"

Nathan: "Lots of mothers do."

Bruno: "Sure, but not graduating elementary school!"

Nathan: "Give him a chance, he's right outside."

Bruno: Okay, send the schmuck in."


Nathan: " That's CHUCK."

Bruno: " Yeah, yea, Chuck."

Chuck: "Hi Uncle."

Bruno: "Hello Chuck."

Chuck: "That's Schmuck. Okay, you're right, that's Chuck."

Bruno: "I have a job for you. It's an easy job. Screw this up and you're through."

Chuck: "I can do it Unc.  Trust me."

Bruno: "We have this Snowy Weiss, make a date with her, take her into the woods and finish her off."

Chuck: "How do you know she'll go out with me?"

Bruno: "She'll go out with anybody."

Chuck sets up a date with Snowy Weiss and they head for the woods.
                                     **
Next chapter to come.

© Mort Harris - Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.
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Wednesday, July 18, 2018

"OKAY, GO AHEAD BILLY AND RANT" By Jerry Silvers


                          
                                Billy Crystal in movie makeup

Angry, sure I’m angry, what do you expect from an 80-year-old person being treated like I’m on my death bed or that my mind reverting back to my childhood. “Can I do this for you grandpa or do you need help cutting your meat?” I may look old; my mind’s is like a twenty-year-old. The way people treat senior citizens today is a terrible shame, like we are just waiting to die.

I have these terrific ideas, but no one wants to listen, even my children. They believe they are all wishful thinking of an old man. I still keep fit, I’ll probably can run rings around them once I get my minor aches and pains with a little stretching.

Let me show you a perfect example. The other day I went to my bank, that I have used for 40 years and asked them for a business loan. They laughed at me right out the door, even though my business plan was done professionally and indicated a profit within several months. I was willing to put my house up for collateral and my own investment was substantial.

Next, I went to the Small Business Loan agency of the government. I guess they remember me as a standup comedian with laughs, applause and ovations, but no loan. I was determined to start up this new manufacturing business, however I needed capital to buy the equipment and I contacted, Jimmy Carruso, the local loan shark.  He told me the terms of the agreement and I almost wet my pants. Now I was nervous and started to lose my confidence; I guess he felt sorry for the old man and decided not to loan me the money. He put a couple of hundred bills in my pocket.

All right, my last option was my cousin Vinny, he made it big in the commodity market and he’s sitting on a load of cash. I hated his guts! The stingy bastard! Sure, he would loan me the money as my fifty percent partner and his flunky son Raymond to run the operation. At least he saw the potential.
                                                     **
Billy tried joining the Peace Corp, but they said he was too old.

He tried becoming a missionary in some far-off land, they said the conditions would be too harsh.

He tried becoming an astronaut, they told him he couldn’t handle the physical requirements.

He even considered in becoming a greeter at Walmart, they said kids would be afraid of his looks.
                                                           **

Billy hasn’t given up yet, his next adventure, he was determined to bring back the Dodgers to Brooklyn, New York. As a kid he couldn’t believe his beloved Dodgers moved to Los Angeles. He thought with his many New Yorker baseball fans and his Hollywood friends, he could pull this off.  I’m sure you heard of the term, “They melted away” just like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. His friends and financial institutions were kind, but they all backed away from his buyout proposals.                                          **
I rant, I rage, and I pull out the last of my white thinning hair.  Now I have to settle down and go into my revenge stage like “Mission Impossible”.




Since I have the movie studio’s people convinced to help me. With the help of the original members of the Mission Impossible team, we planned our revenge.  With their help I am transformed into a young Billy Crystal and introduce myself around as his grandson.





I visited all my financial contacts, and what do you know, everyone wanted to join in. Especially after I told them I inherited all of my grandfather’s wealth. They were knocking down my door to gain my favor.  I lost my rage, I enjoyed removing my mask in front of them, and best of all I didn’t need them at all, I was happy!


                                           ***
© Jerry Silvers - Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV. 
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We still hope the Dodgers will return to Brooklyn! (Those Bums we loved them)

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Tuesday, July 17, 2018

"A FAIRY TALE" By Mort Harris


                      

Two sisters lived in a fashionable part of town, Myra the Sorceress, and Minnie the Moocher. Myra made a fortune with her incantations and fortune telling. Her sister Minnie just mooched. 

During friendly get together Myra would fly around on her broom to amuse her friends and they would affectionately refer to her as the flying sorceress. Minnie was afraid of heights so she never picked up a broom, in fact, she never picked up a dust rag either. At Friday night services, Myra would amaze the congregation by lighting the Sabbath candles without a match. Myra passed away one day, but before she died she told Minnie to hang her portrait in the great hall so that she could watch over things and speak to Minnie. Shortly after Myra’s death, Minnie anxiously approached Myra’s portrait and asked:

Minnie: “Myra, Myra on the wall, who is the richest one of them all?”

Myra: “Not you, you greedy old hag.”

Minnie: “What do you mean,”

Myra: “I mean, I left my wealth to our sweet niece, Snowy Weiss.”

Minnie: “That tramp! All she dates are dwarfs.”

Myra: “She has never asked for a thing and she was always there when I needed her, but you, Minnie all you did was mooch!”

Minnie: “But, I’m your sister.”

Myra: “Fine sister! Did you site Shiva? Did you say Kaddish? Worse than that, you mixed up the diary and meat dishes. Just be glad you’ve got a roof over your head.”
                                         **
Minnie was incensed. She began to hatch a plot. If something should happen to Snowy Weiss, she would be the only living relative and inherit everything. What a lovely thought?  She grabbed the yellow pages and looked up “hit men.”

Minnie: “Hit men, hit men, ah hit man: See Mafia okay, Mafia, dial 1-800-Deadmen.

Operator: “You have reached the Mafia. All our lines are busy now, please hold for the next available operator. This phone conversation is being recorded so we can provide you the best service possible.”

Minnie: “I can’t believe it! They’re playing music and it’s ‘Jailhouse Rock’. Hurry up! All I want is someone murdered, is that so difficult?”

The music is interrupted and you hear, press 1 for Threats, press 2 for Beatings, press 3 for Broken Bones or press 4 for Murder.

Operator: “This is the operator; may I help you?”

Minnie: “Are you a live operator?”

Operator: “I was when I came in this morning.”

Minnie: “I want my niece, Snowy Weiss, killed.”

Operator: “How would you like that done?”

Minnie: “You could hang her, drown her, poison her, I don’t really care. Just do it!”

Operator: “When would you like it to be done?”

Minnie: “Today?”

Operator: “Sorry, today is the Sabbath and we are an orthodox organization. We do not kill on the Sabbath.”

Minnie: “Then do it as soon as possible.”

Operator: “Have you used us before?”

Minnie: “No”

Operator: “As a new customer, you can have someone’s knees broken at no extra charge.”

Minnie: “All I want is her killed!”
                                           ***
(To be continued as part II on a future posting.)

© Mort Harris - Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.

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Wednesday, July 11, 2018

"THE PRIMARY" By Jerry Silvers


“PRIMARY ELECTION FOR NEVADA’S STATE SENATE SEAT” (COMEDY SUBMISSION)
                        
Commercial number #1 Incumbent Senator Hornblower Bottom.

 
My fellow Nevadan’s, you elected me four years ago, what I stand for is to serve you the best way I can in our state capitol and you believed me. Yes, my first four years in office was dismal, but we have to consider there has to be a learning curve. I faced many obstacles and accusations that the money left over from my campaign had to pay all these lawyer fees to protect my reputation. As an Independent candidate the media treated me like a crook and demanded a re-call. My opponents are no better than me, at least I stood up on the Senate floor and protected the rights of Nevada’s professional women. Vote for me on Nov. 7th.  (I approve this message)

Commercial #2  John Robust – Ambulance chasing Lawyer



My name is John Robust and I’m running for State Senator. As an independent candidate I don’t own any allegiance to any party or Washington. I will represent our fellow Nevadan’s as I did as a professional lawyer. People know me from the many television commercials helping citizens with injuries caused by reckless drivers under the influence or corporations selling drugs that harm our citizens. I have years of winning millions of dollars for my clients. This is what I stand for, law and justice. (I approve this message)

Commercial #3  Johnathon Wisemaker

Good evening my fellow Nevadan’s, my name is Jonathon Wisemaker, and I’m angry. I’ve lived here in Las Vegas for twenty years and now the media is claiming I am not an American citizen and even making fun of my accent. I am a naturized citizen, I served on the school council and city board. Everyone knows I am the most qualified in this race to bring back sanity and honesty to the state capitol. My opponents are spreading a rumor now that my real name is Chiam Nassbum from Tele Viv.  Give me the power to find these phonies and lock them up. Elect me on Nov. 7th. (I approve of this message)

Commercial #4  Jimmy Manduris

I promise I will bring this criminal element under control and justice.  Don’t be fooled by my resemblance to any world leader, I was born and raised right here in Nevada. I’m a business man with forty years in the sanitation and recycling operations.
 I know the neighborhoods and the people. I will guarantee once elected your trash and water bills will be reduced. These sur charges for water, especially to our senior citizens, have been outrages and harmful. I will stop this upon my election. I have the support and contributions of the Republicans, Democratics, and Muslin’s organizations.
My name is Jimmy Manduris and I demand your vote on Nov. 7th
to save this state from the criminal control and government failures.
(I approve this message)


Day of the election, Nov.7th

Yes, this is the election board. You want to lodge a complaint about the Nov. 7th election.  You say, that you cannot get here in time to register and vote, because of flight delays from Iraq.  Well, you’ll just have to wait till next election. Yes, I have the authority and can do this even though you have 27,000 military votes for Jimmy Manduris in your possession. What military did you say?
                                              ***

© Jerry Silvers -Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.
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A primary election in the U.S. is for each candidate in each party.
So if you are a Democrat you vote for the candidates in your party and in most cases,  you have to be a registered Democrat to vote. The winner of the primary goes on to the general election against the other parties selected candidate. 






Sunday, July 8, 2018

"WORDS THAT STING" By Virginia Vennar








The assignment for the Writers Workshop was to write a story about WORDS THAT STING, but all I could think of was words that mean things that sting like a bumblebee, wasp or mosquito.

Mr. Bumblebee was flying around in the sky with his friends Mr. Wasp and Mrs. Mosquito looking down on us.

He said “I overheard those humans talking about how we sting them all the time. It really made me feel bad because we do other things besides sting: what about the good we do?”

“Oh, we do good?”

“Sure like collecting nectar, pollinate flowers and make honey?

The wasp leaned over and whispered in the bee’s ear.  “What good are mosquito, not that I want to hurt anyone’s feelings or anything, but really…a mosquito!”

“I heard that and we have plenty to contribute. We are the main food supply for game fish & birds. We sacrifice our lives so that others will live. So there! What good do you do Mr. Wasp?”

“Why we feed our young on insects that would otherwise damage crops and ornamental plants. Humans save thousands of dollars on insect repellents because of us.  

“Let’s stop arguing. Oh look, there’s Mrs. Brown putting on that coconut scented bug repellent. I love that stuff. Let’s go down for a blood and coconut cocktail from that chunky upper arm of hers.”

“Bzzzz…buzz  the bee went first. Oh darn this coconut lotion is slippery.  I’m sliding off into the grass and here comes that large pesky dog of hers.”

“Here Snookers, stop trying to catch that bee, it will sting you.”
Mr. Wasp found all this very amusing and decided to go down and join in the fun.

Snookers was rolling around in the grass playing with the bee who was trying to avoid being trampled.

“Just lie on your back, put your stinger in the air and teach that pooch a lesson.”

“No, no I don’t want to sting anymore.  Come down here and give me a hand.”

The wasp swooped down in the grass, plucked the bee up with his feet and flew away. The mosquito was waiting for them. 

The wasp continued his negative comments about mosquitoes.

“You know, how many mosquito really give up their lives? That’s a lame excuse to justify how useful you are. I think you are just a worthless bloodsucker and deserve to be swatted.”

There was a pause…then the mosquito said, “Oh, that stung.”
                                     ***

© Virginia Vennar - Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.

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Thursday, July 5, 2018

PART III 'CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO WOMEN" By Mort Harris


Joan: "Have you talked to Lilly lately?"

Lisa: "Yes, we were on the phone this morning. She's very upset about her job."

Joan: "Is her cook patting her on the rear end again?"

Lisa: "That's the problem, since they hired a new waitress, he hasn't looked at her."

Joan: "You know the food is terrible there."

Lisa: " I know, Lilly told me the food is so bad she spotted a roach retching in the corner. Even the cook brings his own lunch."

Joan: "I once found a mouse under my table there."

Lisa: "Did you say anything?"

Joan: "I don't talk to mice."

Lisa: "Have you tried that new place, "The Dilly Deli?"

Joan: Yes, the food isn't bad but the service takes forever. I was there over an hour and the waitress said "what's your hurry" "I said,
I'd like you to take my order before the prices go up."  The service is so slow I wouldn't recommend it to a senior citizen. He might not make it to the dessert. 
                                           ***

© Mort Harris - Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vega, NV.


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Monday, July 2, 2018

'WORDS THAT STING' By Mitchell Phillips




Harry… your mother called for the third time today… she wants to know if you’re getting enough bran…don’t you think it’s time to cut the cord.

Ouch! Annette! That hurt. I’ll cut the cord when you start buying slacks you can fit into.

Ouch! That was a low blow. You know how I feel about my weight.

And you know how hurtful it is when you attack my mommy.

Grow up she’s your mother not your mommy.

Ouch!  I’m not going to cold bloodily disown my mother like you did to yours.

Ouch! It wasn’t cold bloodily I didn’t want her running my life.

You mean… like you’re running mine.

Ouch! I don’t run your life I just give you the direction you need… you know how inept you are about organizing your existence.

Ouch!  You’ve crossed the line Annette; I think it’s time to put a 
Band-Aid on this argument before we draw more blood.

Do you want to go up to the bedroom or here on the futon?

That’s not the band aid I was thinking of Harry?

It’s always worked for us before.

After that wise crack about my weight I’m thinking more like the Mink coat you promised, but never gave me.

Ouch! Annette

                                           ***

© Mitchell Phillips - Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV. 

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Sunday, July 1, 2018

"FRANK STEINMAN'S IMMIGRATION HEARING" By Jerry Silvers

                          

                                            Judge Chamberlain Haller

Bailiff: “Hear Yee, hear Yee the United States Immigration Court is now in session with the Honorable Judge Chamberlain Haller presiding.
Your honor, our next immigration case is a mister Frank Steinman. He’s entered our country illegally, showing no proof of identification, and applying for permanent residency based on asylum fearing for his life if he is returned to Austria."

Judge Haller: “Is Mr. Steinman being represented today?”
Vinny Gambine stands up: “Yes, your honor. My name is Vinny Gambine and I will be representing Mr. Steinman in this case.”

Judge: “All right Mr. Gambine, I want you to know I got a heavy case load today and must meet the government’s case quota. Let’s proceed with your statement.”

Vinny: “Your honor this is a very unusual situation. My client, Frank Steinman, supposedly dead was shipped here from Austria in a coffin for examination and burial.  A Dr. Hugo Lubinsky, of the famous Stalingrad’s Surgical Institution, brought the body here for a clinical examination. In an unrelated incident, the good Doctor’s Nephew, Stanley Melnick, was killed in a car accident and he made a decision to
transplant his brain into Steinman’s body. Your honor, the deceased, Stanley Melnick was born in our very own Bronx’s, N.Y. and I present a copy of his birth certificate.”  

Vinny: “Our second point of order, is that Dr. Lubinsky reanimated Frank back to life right here in New York City. So, with a new brain and now alive, I consider Steinman was born on Feb. 28, 2016. He’s been waiting now for two years for this hearing to allow him to become a citizen and bring his family to America.


I present as evidence photographs of his wife and child living in Mexico City waiting permission to enter legally.”

Judge: “What evidence do you have to support these claims?”
Vinny: “Your honor, I call my witness, Mona Lisa Vito to take the stand. Miss Vito, please tell the court and judge your association with my client.”



Mona: “Your honor I’m a certified Nurse and have been associated with Dr. Lubinsky for ten years. He brought the body of Mr. Steinman to America to examine his unique physical attributes. At the time of his research, his nephew Stanley perished in a car accident and he wanted to save his brilliant mind by transplanting it into Steinman. From the discovery of the Austrian files he learned how to regenerate life back into Steinman’s body.”

Vinny: “Your honor Mr. Steinman is now actively working from his home, in the position once handled by his nephew.  He has permanent residency, speaks perfect English, adds to this country’s economy, and a legal birth certificate.

Judge: Mr. Gambine you did an excellent job of convincing to allow Mr. Steinman permanent asylum and to bring his family into the United States.  Case is closed.
                                           
                                      (Bailiff next case)

Bailiff: “Your honor, our next immigration case is a Miss Juanita Desierto who was detained as she was wondering across the border from Mexico.”

Judge: “Does Miss Desierto have representation?”

Vinny: “Yes your honor, I am also representing Miss
Desierto and this is a very unusable case.”


Judge: “God help me, I’ll never get through this day!  Okay Mr. Gambine make your statement; do it quickly or we’ll have to call a recess for today.  How many of the Living Dead witnesses will you plan on testifying on her behalf?”
                                                   XXX



Cast: Frank Steinman  --- Frankenstein
          Juanita Desierto --- Juanita Death --- last name in English

©Jerry Silvers - Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.



Past Presidents of both Sun City and Summerlin's Writers Workshops. Our meetings are once month at the Humana Center here in Las Vegas. If you live in Las Vegas, join us. Call 702-384-4949 for info.

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