Thursday, January 25, 2018

'DECEPTIVE APPEARANCES' By Jerry Silvers




Hi. My name is Melvin Margolis, and today I want to share with you some wonderful news.

First, I am so lucky, I can’t believe it; yesterday I received an e-mail from overseas that I had inherited two million dollars. Could you believe that, I didn’t even know I had relatives overseas?  I sent them all my financial information as they requested. And today they came back to me with good news, that I would only have to pay a small transaction fee in order to have the bank release the funds. I immediately wired the $350.00 to their Nigeria account and was told I should receive my inheritance within 30 days.

The second most wonderful thing that happened; the women I’ve met on the singles dating web site, and who I have been corresponding with her for several months, says she is in love with me and wants us to get together. You should see her picture she is so beautiful, almost like a model out of some glamour magazine. The only problem is her poor mother is in the hospital and she is short of cash to pay her medical bills and could I send her $6000.00 which will include the two tickets for her and her son plane’s fare from the Philippines and also pay off the hospital bills. She is so excited to finally meeting me hinting on a possible marriage in the near future. What does six grand matter, I’m inheriting two million any day now.

Incidentally, I have just heard from my long lost high school friend today, I received an urgent e-mail from him; he was on vacation in Barbados and was mugged and lost tall his money, credit cards, and passport. His hotel will not allow him to check out until his bill is paid. He’s asking to borrow $2500.00 until he gets back to the States. You know we weren’t that close of friends, but what the hell, I’ll find out where he lives and how to contact him before I wire him the money.

Did I tell you, my mortgage company called and said I’m not meeting my increased loan payments based on the variable mortgage contract.  They plan on foreclosing on my property. But thank God, I found this specialized mortgage company to re-negotiate my loan with the promise to reduce my mortgage payments in half. I sent them the $1800.00 fee and just waiting with baited breath to see how much they can save me.

My bank called later today, saying my checking account is overdrawn, so I requested them to transfer funds from my savings account. They informed me the balance is zero in both accounts. All my funds have been transferred to some overseas account. I never gave anyone permission to transfer funds.  I’m going to call a lawyer and straighten this thing out.  I saw him on Television (“I’m a wreck and I need a check”). But first, I need to find some funds to pay his retainer of $1000.00 so I took my title to my car over the Money Store and borrowed the money.

When I went to mail box, this must be my lucky day, Publishing Clearing House informed me I am one of three recipients of the grand prize of one million dollars and $500.00 each week for the rest of my life. It sure paid me to keep buying their magazines subscriptions all these years.  I went out immediately and put up a banner and colored balloon in front of my house welcoming Publishing Clearing house – as a grand prize winner.

See, I have nothing to worry about, I have two million dollars coming in 30 days, plus winning the grand prize from Publishing Clearing House, and a new and beautiful woman in my life.  I’ve renegotiated my mortgage and have engaged a great TV lawyer to work out all my financial problems.  Everything is just falling into place.

“What a great life.”

P.S. My nephew just called from Tallahassee, Florida saying he was arrested for driving under the influence and needed bail money. I gave him my Visa Card number.  You know it’s funny, he didn’t sound like my sixteen-year-old grandson, Charlie.  (Probably his voice changed)
                                                     XXX
Copyright 2016 Sun City Writers Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.


We appreciate your comments and recommendation. Our two writer workshop consist of over 100 members mostly senior citizens, here in Las Vegas and Minn. From novices to published authors, comedy writers and journalist.  
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Monday, January 22, 2018

'RANSOM NOTE 101" By Jerry Silvers

                              


“Good morning students”

Welcome to Creative Writing Ransom Notes 101. My name is Professor Nowheretogo.  Just call me professor. You all had to submit a ransom note to qualify for this advance class along with your mental stability report. Most of you failed both.”

“ARE YOU ALL CRAZY, sending me a hand-written ransom notes, you must be, if you’re paying $250.00 to attend my class.”

Student: “But professor most of us didn’t have a computer or typewriter when we took the entrance exam.”

“Aha!,  this is where you need to have ingenuity and imagination, he shouted to the mystified class.”

“Number one, never submit a ransom note hand written or on a typewriter with a letter out of kilter.”

“Number two, never send a ransom note to the FBI, CIA, or Scotland Yard, if you don’t want to be caught.”

“Number three, make sure you kidnap your victim before sending out the note.”

“Number four, make sure you know how to accomplish your threat if it will be a cyber-attack.”

“Number five, plan in advance what finger or ear you will send along with your threat and it will arrive safe and sound in a non-descriptive packaging. Make sure all figure prints are removed, except the ones you want to be accused of doing this crime.” 

(Ransom Note 102 redirecting the crime to others—blame -blame- blame)

“Number six, we will demonstrate on how to cut out letters from magazines to create another form of creating ransom notes. This must be down in a uniform matter, not just random cuttings. This will take up the balance of the six-week course.”

“Finally, we will discuss what countries that do not extradition laws and their accommodations. And for some stupid reason you get caught, on how to spend the rest of your life in prison and regretting spending the $250.00 to take this stinking course.”
                                                   
                                                    ***

Copyright 2017 Sun City Writers Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.


My little birdy said,

“I highly recommend this course as part of your creative writing curriculum.”  Thank you!

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

"I'M GLAD IT'S IN THIS WORLD" (Update) By Mitch Phillips

     

The Swiss engineer continually failed when striving to develop a new innovative product. But then he remembered encouragement his mother had given him years earlier - "Stick With It!" Voila..!
Then he came up with Velcro.
(Thanks to Jim Brush's funnies) 
                                           **     

     I could live without it and even though it was accidentally discovered, it doesn't make it any less valuable.

     I may have never learned to tie my shoes if Velcro was invented earlier, Lionel Richie wrote a song about it. "Called Stuck on you."

     I always like to experiment. I put Velcro strips on my pajamas and mattress to keep from falling out of bed. It worked.  Three fireman couldn't pry me from my bed. After my wife stopped laughing hysterically and before the fireman brought in the jaws of life she unbuttoned my PJ's and I slipped out of them naked and that's when the fireman started laughing hysterically. 

     Undeterred, my love affair with Velcro continued, I replaced the zippers on my fly's and buttons on my shirts with Velcro. When I used a public urinal, the sound of me opening my fly caused many heads to turn and stop in midstream.

     Then I saw the movie Spiderman and realized if I played my Velcro right, I could attain superhero status. Big lots had a blowout sale on Velcro. I rented a Penske rental truck and bought the whole lot. 

     My wife never dissuaded me. She loved the idea that she could hear me undress and have time to put her book away and fain sleep, not having to give the lame excuse, honey not tonight, I have a headache. 

     After the failure to extricate myself from the bed incident, she suggested I write a book called Velcro for dummies.

     She was helpful during my experiments with Velcro seat belt. I would be stuck in my car for hours and see her through the kitchen window having coffee, reading the newspaper and smoking cigarettes. When I flashed my headlights, a signal we agreed upon, the front door opened and she appeared holding a bathrobe.

     Like many of my pie in the sky ideas, this petered out. I'm still glad Velcro is in the world and if any of you out there would like to purchase some, please drop by my house. I had been selling them out of the trunk of my car but can no longer open the truck.

     Each $10.00 dollar purchase includes a copy of my book "Velcro for Dummies."
                                            ***

Copyright 2018 Sun City Writer Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.




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Saturday, January 13, 2018

'THE REUNION' By Mort Harris

     



    In honor of Veterans Day, the Indian Nation called the tribes together to honor the veterans of the Indian Wars. This reunion was to be held in the Great Medicine Falls, Indiana. Their veterans are called G. I's, which stand for genuine Indian, and we invited them with and without reservations to rendezvous this Thursday at Boot Camp or their version called it moccasin training area.

    They came from all over the country; from the far northwest came the Washington Red Skins, and from Midwest the Cleveland Indians and the Atlantic Braves. 

    Security did have their problems, people showed up insisting they were real Indians, even though they did not look like Indians, they insisted they were and that they traveled all the way from New Delhi.

    "Armistice Day" was not known to them, as we originally called it, they referred to it as "Bury the Hatchet Day."

     Weapons were not allowed, all bows and arrows were left at the door. Visitors were cautioned to avoid scalpers selling over priced tickets. A section was set aside to pay respect to those who were wounded and disabled, especially those family members that gave their lives. The wounded received and deserved the purple liver for their injuries. 

     The cars that transported to and from the reunion, all sported a ribbon saying "Support our Troops".  They honored all branches including the cavalry and the mighty navy of six canoes. They gave thanks to our country that provided them food, liquor, beads, and finally gave them the shaft. The sad part of the reunion story is most of our people are out of work since they no longer made Western Movies.
                                         ***

Copyright Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.


Scan down to read over thirty comedy short stories, when you hit the bottom go to older postings.  "Read his story "How the West was Won."
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