Thursday, January 25, 2018

'DECEPTIVE APPEARANCES' By Jerry Silvers




Hi. My name is Melvin Margolis, and today I want to share with you some wonderful news.

First, I am so lucky, I can’t believe it; yesterday I received an e-mail from overseas that I had inherited two million dollars. Could you believe that, I didn’t even know I had relatives overseas?  I sent them all my financial information as they requested. And today they came back to me with good news, that I would only have to pay a small transaction fee in order to have the bank release the funds. I immediately wired the $350.00 to their Nigeria account and was told I should receive my inheritance within 30 days.

The second most wonderful thing that happened; the women I’ve met on the singles dating web site, and who I have been corresponding with her for several months, says she is in love with me and wants us to get together. You should see her picture she is so beautiful, almost like a model out of some glamour magazine. The only problem is her poor mother is in the hospital and she is short of cash to pay her medical bills and could I send her $6000.00 which will include the two tickets for her and her son plane’s fare from the Philippines and also pay off the hospital bills. She is so excited to finally meeting me hinting on a possible marriage in the near future. What does six grand matter, I’m inheriting two million any day now.

Incidentally, I have just heard from my long lost high school friend today, I received an urgent e-mail from him; he was on vacation in Barbados and was mugged and lost tall his money, credit cards, and passport. His hotel will not allow him to check out until his bill is paid. He’s asking to borrow $2500.00 until he gets back to the States. You know we weren’t that close of friends, but what the hell, I’ll find out where he lives and how to contact him before I wire him the money.

Did I tell you, my mortgage company called and said I’m not meeting my increased loan payments based on the variable mortgage contract.  They plan on foreclosing on my property. But thank God, I found this specialized mortgage company to re-negotiate my loan with the promise to reduce my mortgage payments in half. I sent them the $1800.00 fee and just waiting with baited breath to see how much they can save me.

My bank called later today, saying my checking account is overdrawn, so I requested them to transfer funds from my savings account. They informed me the balance is zero in both accounts. All my funds have been transferred to some overseas account. I never gave anyone permission to transfer funds.  I’m going to call a lawyer and straighten this thing out.  I saw him on Television (“I’m a wreck and I need a check”). But first, I need to find some funds to pay his retainer of $1000.00 so I took my title to my car over the Money Store and borrowed the money.

When I went to mail box, this must be my lucky day, Publishing Clearing House informed me I am one of three recipients of the grand prize of one million dollars and $500.00 each week for the rest of my life. It sure paid me to keep buying their magazines subscriptions all these years.  I went out immediately and put up a banner and colored balloon in front of my house welcoming Publishing Clearing house – as a grand prize winner.

See, I have nothing to worry about, I have two million dollars coming in 30 days, plus winning the grand prize from Publishing Clearing House, and a new and beautiful woman in my life.  I’ve renegotiated my mortgage and have engaged a great TV lawyer to work out all my financial problems.  Everything is just falling into place.

“What a great life.”

P.S. My nephew just called from Tallahassee, Florida saying he was arrested for driving under the influence and needed bail money. I gave him my Visa Card number.  You know it’s funny, he didn’t sound like my sixteen-year-old grandson, Charlie.  (Probably his voice changed)
                                                     XXX
Copyright 2016 Sun City Writers Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.


We appreciate your comments and recommendation. Our two writer workshop consist of over 100 members mostly senior citizens, here in Las Vegas and Minn. From novices to published authors, comedy writers and journalist.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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This month's topic: "A Confession"

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Monday, January 22, 2018

'RANSOM NOTE 101" By Jerry Silvers

                              


“Good morning students”

Welcome to Creative Writing Ransom Notes 101. My name is Professor Nowheretogo.  Just call me professor. You all had to submit a ransom note to qualify for this advance class along with your mental stability report. Most of you failed both.”

“ARE YOU ALL CRAZY, sending me a hand-written ransom notes, you must be, if you’re paying $250.00 to attend my class.”

Student: “But professor most of us didn’t have a computer or typewriter when we took the entrance exam.”

“Aha!,  this is where you need to have ingenuity and imagination, he shouted to the mystified class.”

“Number one, never submit a ransom note hand written or on a typewriter with a letter out of kilter.”

“Number two, never send a ransom note to the FBI, CIA, or Scotland Yard, if you don’t want to be caught.”

“Number three, make sure you kidnap your victim before sending out the note.”

“Number four, make sure you know how to accomplish your threat if it will be a cyber-attack.”

“Number five, plan in advance what finger or ear you will send along with your threat and it will arrive safe and sound in a non-descriptive packaging. Make sure all figure prints are removed, except the ones you want to be accused of doing this crime.” 

(Ransom Note 102 redirecting the crime to others—blame -blame- blame)

“Number six, we will demonstrate on how to cut out letters from magazines to create another form of creating ransom notes. This must be down in a uniform matter, not just random cuttings. This will take up the balance of the six-week course.”

“Finally, we will discuss what countries that do not extradition laws and their accommodations. And for some stupid reason you get caught, on how to spend the rest of your life in prison and regretting spending the $250.00 to take this stinking course.”
                                                   
                                                    ***

Copyright 2017 Sun City Writers Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.


My little birdy said,

“I highly recommend this course as part of your creative writing curriculum.”  Thank you!

Sunday, January 21, 2018

'YESTERDAY AND TODAY' By Mitchell Phillips



I was a different person yesterday before I got bitten by a Vampire. How did it happen? How did I let a guy with a black cape give me a hickey on my neck at three in the morning?

I was a little tipsy, you know… three sheets to the wind….
At first it tickled, then I felt like I feel every time I gave blood at the Red Cross. I remember asking him for some orange juice. He gave me a roll of assorted life savers.

If I didn’t have them in my pants today when I woke up I would have thought it was a dream. When I did wake up it was dark out. I looked in my mirror… but saw no reflection. When my girlfriend came over I asked her to look at my neck.

She said. “Are you seeing Jennifer again?

“Off course not.”

 “Then where did you get that hickey”

I was at O’Riellys bar yesterday night and drank a little too much. Some guy in a black cape asked if he could suck my blood and before I could answer he bit me on my neck.

“Why can’t you just tell me the truth?”

“I am, I have a roll of life savers to prove it.”

‘You’re hopeless.”

“Come over here honey and I’ll show you exactly how he did it.”

“That tickles. Ouch… I feel a little weak.”

“You want a life saver.
                                         ***

Copyright 2018 Summerlin's Writers Workshop - Las Vegas, NV. 




 Mitch's Books are available on Amazon.com















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Wednesday, January 17, 2018

'A CHANCE MEETING' By Morrie Greenberg


       I admit it. I have a craving, a weakness, an irresistible impulse for Chinese food. And so, once a week, usually on a Sunday evening, I visit my favorite Chinese restaurant and indulge. However, I had no idea that visit to satisfy my cravings would lead me to the most exciting and most excruciating adventure of my life. Let me start at the beginning.

     A number of weeks ago I sat sipping a last cup of tea at my favorite Chinese restaurant. The waiter placed a fortune cookie in front of me. Now, ordinarily I do not bother with such frivolous doings, but compelled me to open it. I read: "Take a chance. Take that ride."

     I laid it all to a marvelous coincidence. For months, I had postponed taking a river raft journey with friends. I was apprehensive (translate that to very afraid.) The raft ride would take us around half-hidden rocks; the water would plunge us down a series of cascading falls. But, by golly, if that fortune cookies message dis not push me over the edge. I boarded that river raft and all fear gave way to absolute exhilaration.



     I was back eating at my favorite Chinese restaurant a few days after my river venture. Once again, following dinner I found the iconic fortune cookie on my table. I crushed open the cookie and read: "Take a chance. You would be a winner."

     Now, call me crazy, I took a heavy sum out of the bank account and raced to the track. I bet on every race, including the daily double. By the eight race I had close to half a million dollars.

     I was pleased with the good fortune, but the power of the cookie and the weird results that it brought unnerved me somewhat. However, I soon succumbed and flung open another cookie. The message inside: "Beware of chance meeting."

      I figured the note must have been quirky humor often found in fortune cookies. I find it difficult to recount what happened next. I
sate eating dinner at an uptown restaurant I often frequented when a voice from the table next to me interrupted with.

     "Don't I know you?"

     I turned around  to stare at the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. 

     "Know me? I don't think so," I said then invited her to join me. Soon we were talking small talk. I won't go into details -- it is too painful -- other than to tell you we exchanged phone numbers, and yes, before long we were taking trips together: Paris, London, Rio, the finest hotels and world renowned restaurants, first class plane hops, wonderful cruises. Nothing was too good for her.

     In time, both my money and the beautiful lady ran out. I felt crushed until one day it finally sunk in. She was a con artist, and I was the simple minded patsy.

     I went back to my Chinese restaurant a number of times, but the fortune cookie messages were always the same. An in big bold letters: 
     "Didn't I tell you to beware of chance meetings."

     You know, I think I just lost my appetite for Chinese food.
                                      ***

Copyright 2016 Morrie Greenberg
Morrie's book are available on line.
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Congratulations to Geri Bedrosian as the new president of the Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop. 



We now have over (30) original comedy stories posted on this website. If you can down to the bottom, hit older posting to continue reading them. Our senior citizens group enjoy reading your comments and recommendations. 

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Read Grace Silvers' posting called "Turn it Around" (Poem)


     

     

"I'M GLAD IT'S IN THIS WORLD" (Update) By Mitch Phillips

     

The Swiss engineer continually failed when striving to develop a new innovative product. But then he remembered encouragement his mother had given him years earlier - "Stick With It!" Voila..!
Then he came up with Velcro.
(Thanks to Jim Brush's funnies) 
                                           **     

     I could live without it and even though it was accidentally discovered, it doesn't make it any less valuable.

     I may have never learned to tie my shoes if Velcro was invented earlier, Lionel Richie wrote a song about it. "Called Stuck on you."

     I always like to experiment. I put Velcro strips on my pajamas and mattress to keep from falling out of bed. It worked.  Three fireman couldn't pry me from my bed. After my wife stopped laughing hysterically and before the fireman brought in the jaws of life she unbuttoned my PJ's and I slipped out of them naked and that's when the fireman started laughing hysterically. 

     Undeterred, my love affair with Velcro continued, I replaced the zippers on my fly's and buttons on my shirts with Velcro. When I used a public urinal, the sound of me opening my fly caused many heads to turn and stop in midstream.

     Then I saw the movie Spiderman and realized if I played my Velcro right, I could attain superhero status. Big lots had a blowout sale on Velcro. I rented a Penske rental truck and bought the whole lot. 

     My wife never dissuaded me. She loved the idea that she could hear me undress and have time to put her book away and fain sleep, not having to give the lame excuse, honey not tonight, I have a headache. 

     After the failure to extricate myself from the bed incident, she suggested I write a book called Velcro for dummies.

     She was helpful during my experiments with Velcro seat belt. I would be stuck in my car for hours and see her through the kitchen window having coffee, reading the newspaper and smoking cigarettes. When I flashed my headlights, a signal we agreed upon, the front door opened and she appeared holding a bathrobe.

     Like many of my pie in the sky ideas, this petered out. I'm still glad Velcro is in the world and if any of you out there would like to purchase some, please drop by my house. I had been selling them out of the trunk of my car but can no longer open the truck.

     Each $10.00 dollar purchase includes a copy of my book "Velcro for Dummies."
                                            ***

Copyright 2018 Sun City Writer Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.




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Saturday, January 13, 2018

'THE REUNION' By Mort Harris

     



    In honor of Veterans Day, the Indian Nation called the tribes together to honor the veterans of the Indian Wars. This reunion was to be held in the Great Medicine Falls, Indiana. Their veterans are called G. I's, which stand for genuine Indian, and we invited them with and without reservations to rendezvous this Thursday at Boot Camp or their version called it moccasin training area.

    They came from all over the country; from the far northwest came the Washington Red Skins, and from Midwest the Cleveland Indians and the Atlantic Braves. 

    Security did have their problems, people showed up insisting they were real Indians, even though they did not look like Indians, they insisted they were and that they traveled all the way from New Delhi.

    "Armistice Day" was not known to them, as we originally called it, they referred to it as "Bury the Hatchet Day."

     Weapons were not allowed, all bows and arrows were left at the door. Visitors were cautioned to avoid scalpers selling over priced tickets. A section was set aside to pay respect to those who were wounded and disabled, especially those family members that gave their lives. The wounded received and deserved the purple liver for their injuries. 

     The cars that transported to and from the reunion, all sported a ribbon saying "Support our Troops".  They honored all branches including the cavalry and the mighty navy of six canoes. They gave thanks to our country that provided them food, liquor, beads, and finally gave them the shaft. The sad part of the reunion story is most of our people are out of work since they no longer made Western Movies.
                                         ***

Copyright Sun City Writers Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.


Scan down to read over thirty comedy short stories, when you hit the bottom go to older postings.  "Read his story "How the West was Won."
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Tuesday, January 9, 2018

"ON THE ROAD TO LISBON" By Jerry Silvers




(Scene - The Intercontinental Hotel in Lisbon, Portugal, a real hot bed of spying networks during the Second World War.)

(Dorothy welcomes Bing to the hotel) "Welcome Bing, I'm Dorothy
Smith the hotel entertainment director. Let's gets you settled in and then we can go over the entertainment itinerary. What happened to your musical comedy partner?"

"Oh, he got somehow delayed."



As they approached the front desk  all eyes seemed to be directed toward them.  Washington forewarned Bing that the hotel will be filled to capacity with foreign agents seeking information on each others mission and offer legitimate and fake military secrets for sale. 

(Bing is very attracted to Dorothy) "Dorothy why don't we have dinner together and we can get acquainted as we discuss the rehearsal itinerary."

"How does seven O'clock sound, I'll meet you here in the lobby."
                                     **

(Knock on Bing's hotel room's door) 

"Who's there?"
"Room service."  (Bing opens the door to find Bob standing there.) 
(Bob) "Hello, did you forget me?"
"How did you get here so fast?"
"You dirty rotten scoundrel, you booked me on a freighter a 'Slow boat to China'. I fooled you boy, I got on a USO flight from the States and here I am. So what's the big idea leaving me behind, did you forget were a team on and off the stage. There's got to be a girl involved."

"Ya, your right, and she's beautiful and probably a spy. With all the spies booked in this hotel, I was afraid with your big mouth someone will discover our real mission and that will lead to another failed mission. Just stay out of the way and let me have dinner with the entertainer director and maybe I can discover who she really represents. "

"What am I going to do in the meantime?'

"Just stay low and keep you big fat mouth shut. I'll let you know when we are schedule to rehearse."
                                              **

(The next day, when they returned from breakfast they were greeted in the lobby by the German Gestapo agent, Herr Frankel, and led away at gun point into a waiting limo.)



(Herr Frankel) "Welcome gentlemen to Lisbon we're taking you to the German German embassy to entertain our staff." 

After several hours of  intense interrogation without results, they ask the boys to entertain the staff. They performed "Mairzy Doats and Dozy Doats and Liddle Lamzy Divey" which made them angry and made no sense to the German audience. They boo them the hell off the stage and sent them packing in a local cab. "Heil Hitler"

(Later in the day, they went to the offices of their foreign contact of 
 by Sidney and Peter's importers and exporters.)

(Sidney) "How was your visit with Herr Frankel, I hope it was pleasant?  But first Peter, get our guest some tea. If we plan on doing some business together, I think we should get to know each other."

(Peter) "Boss, don't we suppose to frisk them before we serve them tea. I don't trust them, especially the weird guy with that stupid hat."  


(Sidney) "That won't be necessary Peter, I've been expecting them, So, gentlemen how can I help you?"

(Bing) "Can we get rid of your body guard, he makes me nervous."

"Sorry gentlemen, he's more than a bodyguard, he's my partner."

(Bing) "We know you have direct contact with the French partisans, my government wants to retrieve the British downed pilot James Pierson, and the aerial photographs. These films are very important to the allies and we are willing to pay handsomely for their return.

(Sidney) "This maybe possible, $10,000 American dollars is a good sum to start with. We will be in touch, just stay low, your hotel is swarming with agents."
                                          **

The following week they returned to their room after their evening performance and find Sidney and Peter waiting for them.

(Sidney) "Hello boys, we got the merchandise, are you ready to deal.?

(Bing) "We heard a rumor you put the film up for sale to the highest bidder." 

"Well, you have to hedge your investment in case of complications. Did you bring the $10,000 we discussed?"

(Bing) "Yes, I have it, let's see our pilot and the film."

"Peter, won't you bring in our two guests." (Peter leaves and a short time later comes back with the British Pilot and to their surprise Dorothy.) 

(Sidney) "You see gentlemen Dorothy is a double agent and she's  also the pilot Pierson's wife." She holding the film canister. "We interrupted their departure this morning for England. Now show us the money."

Bing opens his suit jacket with a knife cutting open the seam to reveal a small bag of diamonds. "Here's your money, they are worth at least $10,000."

From inside the canister, Dorothy pulls out a pistol and demands Bing to give her the diamonds. 

(Sidney to Peter) "You fool, I told you to search them, you forgot to inspect the canister, you just cost us $10,000.



(Peter) "I told you boss you can't trust her. I'll just have to take that gun away with my special cane gun." And he aims it at her. Dorothy fires and Peter is mortally wounded. Dorothy and her husband slowly leave the room.

(Sidney) "I'm afraid our business dealings have been unpredictably concluded. I guess you'll have to deal with the dead body and the police."

(Bob) "Just wait one minute Sidney. I sold raffle tickets to every spy in this hotel and told them they had the winning ticket for a copy of the film. They will be lining up at your office tomorrow morning."



"You really didn't do that?"

(Bob) "You bet your life I did, we knew you were going to double cross us and turn us over to the local police. This was our own protection plan, we even made a little money on the side. So now you need to clean up this mess.

(Sidney) "I just had a bad feeling today things were going to go wrong, I just happen to have my bags packed and tickets for today's boat to Algiers.  Ha! Ha! I guess you won. I'll arrange for the body to be removed and I hope I'd never run into you gentlemen again."

"Bon Voyage! Please tell your friend Herr Frankel, Heil Hitler up his butt. Will send him a copy of our latest record hit, "Mairzy Doats" so he won't forget us.
                                         ***

Copyright 2018 Summerlin's Writers and Poets Workshop - Las Vegas, NV.  

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"The Message"  submission by Grace Silvers

"This Great Man Lives On!  By Grace Silvers

Monday, January 8, 2018

'CHEECH AND CHONG'S DILEMMA' By Jerry Silvers

                  


(Chong) “Hey Cheech, what’s your goanna do with that car they sent with the Mexican hash? You listen Man! Now that I got all the stash out of the car and hid it in our crawl space, it’s time we get rid of this car before the police find it. And Cheech, it still got those damn Mexican plates. Man! I’m sure the police got a tip and right now looking for this car.”

“I’m going to keep it man, it’s my kind of car, just look at the sign I just put on the side window, man. This car is real special, man, they floated it right down the Rio Grande River.
 


(Cheech)  “On second thought, maybe your right, I’ll get rid of the plates and I know someone who may want it. My friend’s son in Hollywood just had his Bar Mitzvah and this will be my present. His dad is into classic cars and will fix it up for him. New paint job, new interior, and nobody will ever know it’s the same car.”  
                                                 **
So, Cheech drives the car up to Hollywood and finds his friend’s son, Fred, presenting the car to him as his birthday.

(Fred) “Cheech this is a wonderful present, but my Bar Mitzvah was seven years ago.”

“Okay, so I lost track of time.”
                                                       **
Three days later.

“Hey Cheech, I thought you gave that car away to your friend, how come it’s sitting outside the house with the same Mexican plates.

“Man, maybe his dad found more hash inside and decided to return the car. I don’t know about the plates, that’s strange.”

“I’ll go check the car out, this time even under the seats and inside the spare tire.”

(Two hours later)

(Cheech) “Man, did you find anymore hash?’

“No man, but when I looked in the glove compartment there was a letter from the owner. It said that his grandmother put a curse on this car, that whoever used the car to transport illegal drugs, will be cursed with this car forever.”

“I don’t believe in any curses from some old ugly Mexican lady. Let’s try some of that hash, maybe it will clear our brains and give us an idea on how to get rid of this damn car.”
                                                      **
Cheech came up with a great idea, he drove the car to San Pedro and pushed the car over a cliff. Next day it showed up again in front of the house.

The following night he drove the car out to the desert and set it on fire. The next day it showed up again.

His final attempt and best one yet, he took the car to his friends recycling and junk yard. First the car was crushed, then it went though grinding and cutting machinery until the former car was in tiny metal scrap pieces ready for the steel mill.

“Hey Cheech, check out the front window, it’s out there again. Man, you got a really bad curse on your hands.  What’s you going to do?”

(Cheech) I know this Gypsy fortune teller in San Pedro, she helps people with family curses. Maybe we should go see her?”

So, they drive down to see the Gypsy fortune teller.


(Fortune Teller) “You have a very powerful curse on you Mr. Cheech. If you want me to help take away this curse, you must follow all my instructions. First you must go to church every morning and light two candles for the next 30 days. You must bring to me clippings of your hair along with samples of the illegal drugs, and $100.00 dollars the first week, $500.00 dollars the second week, and $1000.00 on the fourth week for me to finalize the reversal of this curse.

Cheech and Chong looked at each other, thinking this is better than going to jail.

As the time went by, she told them they would have to give up all of the shipment, and she would help dispose of it. She said, “It’s the only way to completely stop the curse.”  
The boys turned over what was left of the shipment.

A week went by and the car appears again, with the horn continuously going on and off in the middle of the night disturbing the neighbors and calling the police.
They tried to reach the San Pedro Gypsy and she was gone, with the money and their hash shipment.

(Chong) “Hey man, we were taken, man. Now we don’t  have enough money for another shipment. I think I’m going back to the beach and get as far away as I can get from that car and you.”
The police came with a search warrant, but they couldn’t find any sign of illegal drugs, so they tow the car to the police impound.
Next day the car came back. It was towed two more times and the police finally gave up.

(Chong) “Hey Cheech, since this car floated down the Rio Grande River, maybe I’ll  take it down to the Santa Monica beach and do some great surfing on the car. What do you think? I know a guy down there that has some great hash, maybe I can make a trade with him for the car, since it is an illegal drug deal the curse can be transferred to him.”  
                                              ***


  “Christine”   A movie was made in the 80’s about an indestructible 1958 Plymouth that was possessed by a demon at the time it was manufactured, and still remains somewhere today.  

Copyright 2018 Summerlin’s Writers and Poets Workshop – Las Vegas, NV.




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